I am verbally and physically abusive. I was in an abusive home growing up. I spent 12 years in the military and am also a practicing alcoholic. I'm in a relationship with a woman who has a 20-year-old son. I get very angry with him, and I judge him harshly to the point where he hates me. I love his mother dearly, but now I've torn apart our relationship because of my actions. I desperately need to know what I should do. I feel I can do nothing to change the situation. Please help me.

L.H.

I commend you on seeking help to overcome the problem behaviors that are negatively affecting your relationships and your quality of life. While of course I can't make specific recommendations or predictions without talking with you personally, I'll tell you what I would say to a client who walked in my door with a similar predicament.

It IS possible to change your behavior, and thus, possibly your situation -- that is, if your partner and her son are willing to let you make amends, and if you demonstrate that you can be trusted. The three most important steps for you to take, given your description of your behavior and history, are: (1) Stop hitting or using physical or verbal intimidation of any kind ASAP. (2) Stop drinking. (3) Enter therapy, which can help you achieve and maintain steps number 1 and 2, as well as address any other possible consequences of your own abusive upbringing. (Many people who were traumatized as children drink or use drugs in attempts to medicate or numb painful feelings, having learned no other way to cope. Unfortunately, they often end up addicted and, without developing other means of handling stress, pain and anger, perpetuating the cycle of abuse and violence.)

If you are, as you describe, a practicing alcoholic, you may need professional help to stop the substance abuse that may be exacerbating your violent and destructive behavior. Your local Veterans Administration hospital probably has a substance abuse treatment program in which you can participate, or you may want to seek out a private treatment program. Alcoholics Anonymous (the free community support program for recovering alcoholics) has also helped countless people. If you try AA (or try it again), be sure to find a sponsor and really work the 12-step program with all your heart. If your partner is willing to give you another chance, she might benefit from Al-Anon meetings -- the companion program for family and loved ones of alcoholics.

Even if your partner chooses not to stay in or return to your relationship because of your abusiveness, I urge you to stay sober and stay in therapy. With perseverance and appropriate professional (and community) support, you CAN change this habitual behavior and ultimately find satisfaction in life and love. Good luck.