I have been addicted to pain pills since my son was born 24 years ago. I was severely sexually abused by my father, my brothers and my father's friends. My mother neglected me. She told me about 10 years ago that she had seen me as very strong and capable of caring for myself, even as a toddler, and let me. She protected my sister who is 15 months younger than me. I am now 48 and have been healing from all these buried traumas for 20 years. I cannot seem to let go of the pain pills that give me the mellowness to live. I feel life would be too hard to bear without my crutch. I am functioning well and actually succeeding at my new career. Yet under all the happiness I have this layer of sludge that keeps threatening to suck me down into nothingness. Please help.

B.R.

You must have many strengths and internal resources to have survived such terrible childhood abuse and neglect, and to be doing well in your new job despite your addiction. The narcotics may have been a way for you to self-medicate your emotional pain (which, especially when dissociated, can cause physical pain or worsen the pain of true medical conditions). But I think you know that the pain pills are interfering with your growth toward emotional wholeness.

Whether the addiction is contributing to your existential "sludge" or is preventing its release (which can occur through your psyche's natural healing processes), or both, your "crutch" may actually be CAUSING problems in your life rather than helping them.

I can't tell from your question whether you have gotten any therapy for your emotional pain, but I urge you to do so now in order not only to resolve any remaining abuse and neglect issues, but also to learn how to manage feelings without chemically dissociating them. You might benefit most from a therapist who is experienced in working both with survivors of childhood trauma and with addictive behaviors. Such a therapist shouldn't be too hard to find, since there is a lot of overlap between the populations of abuse survivors and addicts.

Another possibility might be to go through a substance abuse program to help you get off the pain pills. Outpatient programs are available, including ones that operate on nights and weekends so participants can continue working at their jobs. Many people have also been helped by the free community support groups of Narcotics Anonymous (NA), a program based on the 12-step approach to addiction of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I hope you'll work toward getting off the pain pills (and any other substances that might foster chemical dissociation) in the context of a safe, supportive environment, whether that be therapy, a treatment program, or NA. You've already survived the worst -- the actual abuse and neglect. You can survive the resulting feelings as well.

And more than that, when you're finally clean of narcotics and have worked through the old emotional pain, I suspect you'll find you're able to experience a level of joy and serenity you never thought possible. That's because when we numb or dissociate emotions -- whether through psychological or chemical means -- we tend to lessen our ability to experience ALL feelings, even the positive ones. Good luck.