I have a 26-year-old son, a college graduate, who can't seem to get on with his life. He was an insurance agent, but that didn't work out. Then he was an office assistant -- low pay, no benefits. Now he's an accounts manager, with good pay and benefits, but he doesn't like it. If things don't work out perfectly he can't seem to cope. He has lost all of his confidence and keeps calling home to talk. I'm beginning to think we are crippling him. He doesn't seem to want to grow up and is very sad all of the time. There is suicide and manic depression on his paternal side. I'm worried -- he is so unhappy!

M.

You say you think you and your husband might be "crippling" your son, by which I assume you mean somehow hobbling him in his efforts to achieve emotional and financial independence. I can't comment specifically on your situation, of course, without talking with you and your son personally. But following are some thoughts that come to mind.

Some parents fly to the rescue whenever their children are in trouble. While their intentions may be good, always bailing children out may shield them from the consequences of their actions. This is most often apparent when parents provide financial support or relief to struggling adult children. If that's done routinely, the adult child may never learn how to manage money (and job responsibilities) on his or her own. Why should he (or she), when mom or dad are always there with the checkbook when things get sticky?

Similarly, some people may choose to work at jobs that are emotionally fulfilling but pay poorly. It may be hard for a parent to see his or her child going the "starving artist" route, but it's the adult child's right to choose his or her career path or answer his or her calling. It's unfair, though, for that adult child to expect his or her parents to provide a financial safety net in case he or she falls. That's like having your cake and eating it too ... and perhaps the parents' cake as well.

You mention that your son doesn't seem to want to grow up, and is "very sad all of the time." I can understand your concern about him, especially with a history of suicide and manic depression on his father's side. One possibility is to assure him of your love, concern and acceptance, and encourage him to seek professional counseling. You can even offer to attend some family sessions if your son (and his therapist) think that will help. Such joint therapy sessions can assist family members in making the transition to emotional independence.