Another Valentine's Day: Can Your Heart Take It?

By:
Jenna McCarthy

Reviewed By:
Gary D. Stein, Ph.D.

Valentine's Day is like a one-night stand: exciting on paper but rarely as fulfilling as the idea itself.

When mid-February rolls around, rumor has it that women fantasize about candlelit, champagne-soaked celebrations involving hours of intense eye gazing, while men begrudgingly fork over for overpriced foliage and fancy dinners out of obligation ("She sees those diamond commercials too, damn it!") and the hopes of getting laid.

"Holidays in general breed unrealistic expectations," confirms Pepper Schwartz, PhD, professor of sociology at the University of Washington and author of Finding Your Perfect Match. "The minute you start wondering is it going to be wonderful enough? it never will be."

But not every delicate damsel dreams of frilly hearts and fancy feasts on the 14th. "Cinco de Mayo means more to me," argues Nancy, a divorced writer in Santa Monica, CA, who has been with the same partner for 18 years. Allison, an Atlanta-based film producer, is even more unenthusiastic. "Valentine's Day is a ridiculous consumer holiday contrived by greeting card companies and further perpetuated by the diamond, chocolate and flower industries. I am madly in love with my boyfriend," she adds eagerly, "but having to summarize that in a card is a chore."

Measure Your Worth in Roses
Could a steaming cup of Valentine's soup be bad for the soul? "In the best of all possible worlds, February 14 is a pleasant and sentimental opportunity to lavish your partner with attention or move your relationship to the next level," explains Schwartz. On the other hand, if your union is already on shaky ‑- or simply uneven ‑- ground, a disappointing V-Day could become the straw that breaks your relationship's back.

 

"Just as New Year's Day is a time for folks to assess the direction of their lives in general, Valentine's Day has become a time for people to assess the direction of their romantic relationships... and to make changes," says Robert W. Hatfield, PhD, licensed clinical psychologist and president-elect of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality. Indeed. According to Jodi R. R. Smith, founder and president of Boston-based Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting, more than half of all dating duos choose heart-shaped-doily day to put the kibosh on their couplehood. "When you realize you don't want to invest even a dozen roses in your relationship, that's a clear sign it's time to get out," Smith explains.

Oh, Yes, You Can Buy Me Love!
If you discuss the holiday candidly with your partner and mutually agree that you'd rather not celebrate, tuning in to last week's TiVo'd episode of Lost instead does not mean you're on an express train to splitsville. Similarly, if your significant other chooses to symbolize his love with a beautifully wrapped blender, don't rush to outfit the doghouse with pillow and sheets.

"This is a perfect relationship learning point," insists Smith. "Assuming you mentioned wanting a blender ‑- or drink a lot of smoothies ‑- this guy was actually listening and thought about how he could make you happy. He gets bonus points for that. You just have to work on modifying his behavior."

How? First of all, as any gift-giving holiday approaches, keep quiet about your temperamental toaster. Jog bra looking tired? Get yourself a new one posthaste. Then, find an opportunity to point out your sister's new pearl earrings admiringly, and casually throw in the bit about how you've always pined for a pair yourself. "The vast majority of guys are not great about picking up hints, so don't be too subtle," Smith adds.

In fact, the experts agree that there's nothing wrong with flat-out telling your mate what would make the day memorable for you, or presenting him with a list of gifts or activities that would make your heart soar and asking him to pick one. Know you'll only be happy with dinner at Chez Expensif? Make the reservation yourself. "A lot of guys want nothing more than to fulfill your desires," Schwartz offers, "they just haven't the vaguest idea how to do it."

Re-Evaluate the Holiday
If you find yourself with no partner to disappoint or be disappointed by, Schwartz offers three suggestions for surviving what she admits can be a "dreadful day" for singles. Option one is to hurry through it and call it a day. "If [February 14] bothers you, just put it behind you as quickly as you can," she says. You might accomplish this by making it a sleeping-in day, or by busying yourself with other things. Option two involves rethinking the holiday itself. "All Valentine's Day does is tell you what you knew the day before: that you're not in love with anybody," she explains. "It's just a day." Option three is to use V-Day as an impetus for change. "Go to Club Med, throw a singles party or log on to an online dating site," she suggests. "If you want to be half of a couple, refocus your energy into finding a partner." Just don't blame us if he gives you a hot-dog cooker next year.