I am a 30-year-old woman and am beginning to question my sexuality. I have only had heterosexual experiences, but lately I have begun to fantasize about being with a woman. I love my boyfriend very much, and unfortunately he wouldn't understand my feelings. Would acting on these feelings be an act of betrayal? The biggest problem is that I am not sure how I would feel afterwards. I am also wondering if this is a phase, and if I will eventually stop having these feelings. Any advice?

Trina

I can't say whether your fantasies about sex with a woman are a "phase" that you might eventually move out of, or an awakening of some aspect of your sexuality that has been heretofore unrecognized and unacknowledged. Many heterosexual people have had fantasies about sex with their own gender -- and even have had some same-sex encounters, particularly in adolescence -- without that meaning they're homosexual.

If you think your boyfriend wouldn't understand your feelings or be able to help you process your fantasies and your relationship with him, it might be helpful to explore your feelings and questions with a counselor or another safe person. I'd recommend doing that before acting upon your fantasies, so as to lessen the possibility of your doing something that might jeopardize your relationship with your boyfriend, or that you might regret afterward.

Another possibility is for you and your boyfriend to agree to date other people, so you could engage in some sexual experimentation without "cheating" on him. I would do that, though, only if you were willing to risk losing your boyfriend due to either his finding someone else or his reaction to your having sex with someone else, male or female. .

Whether having sexual contact with someone other than your boyfriend would be an act of betrayal really depends on how HE would feel about such behavior. I suspect most individuals would feel betrayed if their significant others became sexually involved with someone else, male or female, without their knowledge. You might ask yourself how you would feel if the situation were reversed.

However, those who have a sexually "open" relationship and have agreed that each partner can date or have sex with others might have a different view. Some couples even invite other individuals (or other couples) to have sex with them. Sometimes such encounters are mutually pleasurable for all involved. But if one or more of the individuals agrees to such escapades primarily to please his or her partner (or, even worse, is coerced or manipulated into having sex), the consequences can be painful both for individuals and for their relationship