I am wondering what approach we should take in convincing my elderly parents to relocate to our state so that we can oversee their care. They are 89 and 75, mobile and lucid, but I feel they are failing and need more interaction from family. They say that they don't have the energy to pack up and move, but we would take care of the logistics. We are considering telling them that they don't have a choice. Is that fair? Are there any good resources for approaching your parents about giving up their home and moving into an assisted living center?

Barbara

I don't have all the details about your parents' -- and your -- situation, which limits my ability to make recommendations. Still, I can understand your dilemma. But if your parents are "mobile and lucid" -- by which I assume you mean able to take care of themselves with minimal assistance -- it really does not seem appropriate, to me, to relocate them against their will, which is what you seem to be suggesting. If they were willing to move if you handled all the practical matters, or if they were senile or otherwise unable to manage their personal affairs, that might be another story.
Think of it this way -- how would you feel if family members showed up on your doorstep and announced they were moving you to another state whether you liked it or not? Do your parents have less of a right to choose their own living arrangements simply because of their age, or because you worry about them? What impact would their relocation to another state -- as compared to, say, an assisted living center in their own city -- have on their relationship with friends or their community, and thus their emotional and physical health?

What about spending some time with your parents and talking with them about your concerns and fears, and engaging in a little mutual problem-solving? If they say they don't have the energy to pack up and move, but continue to waffle even if you offer to handle all the logistics, it may be that they just flat-out don't want to move, or don't want to move to your area, and have been making excuses rather than simply saying so outright. If that's the case, could you then give a little and seek a compromise ... perhaps helping them relocate to an assisted living facility within their own area, or arranging for personal assistance in their own home, or some other arrangement.

Coming to an acceptable compromise might prevent the hard feelings or other complications that could arise should you try to force them to relocate against their will. (I'm not even sure you could do that legally, anyway, if your parents are still in charge of their own affairs.)