Tonight, a good friend of mine told me that he has been diagnosed with an anger problem. He sought professional help on his own and is now taking a prescription drug. My question is, how do I act? Should I be more sensitive, or go about things as usual? He has told me and another friend and has asked us not to tell anyone else. How do we be supportive friends? He asked us to warn him about behaviors that he often exhibits that push people away.

Gillian

If you're uncertain about how to support a friend with a problem -- whether anger or anything else -- one possibility is simply to ask the friend what he or she prefers. Most of the time it's not necessary to act much differently ... assuming, of course, that you were already treating the friend with kindness, respect and good humor.

We don't usually need to pull out the kid gloves and handle all subsequent interactions with awkward cautiousness. In fact, such changes in how we treat struggling friends often make them feel weirder. If you're concerned about how any of your own behaviors might affect your friend, just tell him so and ask his opinion.

You can also check in with your friend periodically in private and ask how he's doing. Offer a listening ear or shoulder to lean on occasionally. If you notice him engaging in the behaviors he mentioned, let him know (again, in private). "You remember asking me to let you know if you did (fill in the blank)? Well, you're doing it. Do you want to talk about what's going on?"

Some sensitivity, of course, is warranted. For instance, giving a recovering alcoholic -- particularly a newly sober one -- a gift of wine or liquor, or urging that person to join you in a drinking contest, would be a pretty bad idea. So would commenting on the weight of an individual struggling with an eating disorder (or commenting on others' weight in his or her presence). But other than such cautions, friends dealing with personal problems usually appreciate your treating them after the revelation pretty much the same as usual ... again, assuming "the usual" was pretty good in the first place.