I am a 38-year-old woman in a very committed, loving and exciting relationship. I am absolutely wild about this man, and as time goes on (two years, now) I grow more attracted to him. He introduced me to bondage and light spanking -- with soft suede crops and his hands. We are extremely safe, and he has never hurt me. I find the trust involved in this activity incredibly arousing. But the couple of close friends I have told about this think I am losing my mind. I feel that my spiritual and emotional relationship with my boyfriend is far deeper and stronger because of our sexual satisfaction. Am I wrong?

-- Dee

What transpires sexually between two consenting adults is basically their business, and one could certainly say that you and your boyfriend have a right to engage in whatever sexual activity you mutually choose. And you say that your boyfriend has never hurt you during the course of your sexual games, which is certainly a good thing.

Perhaps one or both of you stumbled across bondage games (in the context of a "safe" relationship) as a fun way of being "naughty." If you treat each other as equals OUT of bed, respecting and supporting each other in healthy ways, then there may well be no harm in your sex play.

But since you asked for input about your situation, let me set out some food for thought. In sado-masochistic sex play (even S&M "lite" such as you describe), sexual excitement and pleasure can be associated with dominance and submission, as well as pain or the prospect of pain. If that's the main -- or even only -- way in which someone can be satisfied sexually, I find myself wondering how he or she came to eroticize dominating or being dominated, or giving or receiving pain. Is he or she acting out anger or revulsion at self or others? Was he or she sexually abused as a child in ways that conditioned him or her to feel pleasure at pain?

Could your friends be seeing things about your relationship with your boyfriend -- or about your boyfriend himself -- that YOU aren't seeing? Are they wondering why a man would find it sexually enjoyable to pretend to hurt his lover? Are they concerned that at some point he -- and you -- may stop pretending and actually inflict damage on each other?

Of course, it may be that none of those questions or situations applies to you or your boyfriend. Perhaps your close friends are aghast at your sex play simply because they would never consider doing something like that themselves ... which doesn't necessarily mean it's wrong for YOU to enjoy doing it.

Overall, your best barometer of what's "right" for you sexually is how you feel in the relationship as a whole. If you feel respected, valued and emotionally intimate with your boyfriend out of bed as well as in it, then what's the harm in your sex play? But if he -- or you -- start to escalate your activity and really inflict pain on each other, I would advise re-evaluating your sexual relationship.