Six years ago my wife had an affair. I was so angry, I wanted her to leave, but couldn't let her. Then it got OK -- we had a daughter and everything was going well, until she got a new job. I found an e-mail she sent to a coworker in which she indicated that he was hitting on her. This brought back the bad memories, and I got angry again. Now we argue about little things, like the fact that since the affair she does nothing around the house. I do all the cleaning, washing, watching the kids, everything. She says we need counseling. I say, for what? But I said I would go if she thought it would bring us back together. So, should I go through with this or just let her go? She says she still loves me, but she acts like she would rather be on her own. She told me that if she did leave, she would leave the kids with me and pay child support because she would not want to drag them around with her.

F.

I can certainly understand your anger and frustration. By all means, go for some couples counseling. It may help the two of you resolve whatever individual or couples' issues may have contributed to her affair and dissatisfaction with domestic life (including, it seems, childrearing). Or it may help the two of you part in a manner least destructive to your children. Either way, what do you have to lose? Do you really want things to continue as they are?

I can't guarantee what would happen if you and your wife -- or any couple, for that matter -- see a marriage counselor. But often, the partner who's dragged into therapy and blamed for most of the ills in the marriage ends up feeling the most benefit from the process. The therapist or counselor may be able to help the complaining spouse understand and begin to address some of his or her own role in the marital problems, or let both partners know that their communication problems or intimacy fears don't make them bad people -- only human beings with a normal share of foibles.

I commend you for taking over the household and childrearing chores in an attempt, I assume, to maintain some degree of normalcy for your children. But I can only wonder what effect the marital discord and your wife's lack of interest in home and family are having on your children. A marital therapist might also help you assess and address any such impact on the kids.

Again, you might ask yourself what you have to lose from trying marital counseling -- some time and money, of course, and the possibility that you might hear or learn something distressing about yourself, your wife, or your marriage. But what might you gain? The best scenario, of course, would be improvement in your marriage. The worst outcome might be that things somehow get worse ... if you can imagine that happening. By the time many people see a marriage counselor they feel the relationship has reached rock bottom and can only see it getting better or ending. If the same is true of you (and your wife), perhaps marriage counseling is worth the effort.