I'm a 30-year-old woman. I cannot look into people's eyes anymore, especially when they are looking at mine. It makes me unhappy. What can I do?

Caroline

I can't say for sure what might help without talking with you personally and getting more information about your problem. But I'll mention some thoughts that come to mind in response to your dilemma, which you can peruse and pursue (or not) as you feel appropriate.

You may be aware that many people consider the eyes to be "windows to the soul." Looking into another person's eyes can be a very intimate act. We may feel as though we're seeing more of the "real person" as compared to the mask or persona many of us don for more superficial interactions. And, of course, we may feel the other person is also seeing more of us.

Sometimes we're afraid of what others might see when they look into our eyes, usually because we're uncomfortable or ashamed of some aspect of ourselves. We may be afraid of what we'll see reflected in the other's eyes. We may fear exposure or rejection of the "real" us. Or we might be afraid of seeing love or caring or acceptance in the other's eyes, feeling we don't deserve such kindness or that it might lead to a more emotionally or, perhaps, physically, intimate relationship. If we've been hurt or betrayed in other intimate relationships (whether with friends, lovers or family members), we may be especially reluctant.

You mention that you cannot look into other people's eyes "anymore," which implies that you once were able to do so with little or no trouble. One option might be to figure out when your discomfort started. What was going on in your life at that time? How were you feeling about yourself? How were you feeling about your relationships? You could also try to become more aware of the thoughts, feelings and beliefs you associate with the behavior. What do you find yourself thinking and feeling about yourself? What do you think the other person thinks and feels about you?

Once you become more aware of any such beliefs and feelings, you can decide whether they are realistic or need challenging. Perhaps they have their roots in some past experiences you no longer wish to have a hold on you. If so, you can then work on changing or letting go of them. A professional counselor or therapist might be able to help you do so, or help you better understand and address any other reasons for your discomfort. Good luck.