I've been married 31 years. For at least 20 of those I've known my husband is an alcoholic. We've been through AA and outpatient therapy. He's quit three times in the last 10 years. Now he's drinking again. My mental health has hit an all-time low. I'm soooo hurt. He knows what he's doing to me and that he's killing what love is left. I don't care if there's help for him anymore (mentally or physically). Financially I can't leave him. God doesn't forgive adulterers, so an affair is out of the question. All I can indulge myself in is either work or food. Is there anything else I can do for myself?

Marilyn

One of the first things that comes to my mind is your participating in Al-Anon ... the free community support groups for family members of alcoholics. Going to Al-Anon meetings might give you additional support in taking care of yourself in healthy ways. You may have attended Al-Anon groups in the past while your husband was working the AA program. But even the spouse of an active alcoholic can benefit from the Al-Anon program. If you haven't tried Al-Anon -- or haven't participated lately -- why not go to a meeting or two and see how you feel?

You indicate that your main coping strategies are work or eating. Work can give us a sense of mastery and fulfillment (along with needed money), and eating can be a source of comfort and pleasure as well as a way to fuel ourselves. But as I'm sure you know, we can also use work and eating to numb or avoid painful feelings and situations in ways that might ultimately be counterproductive.

When people are in painful marriages that they don't want to leave (for whatever reasons) I often suggest they try to wrest control of their own happiness away from their spouses -- and the spouses' drinking or other behavior -- as much as possible. (I do not, however, advocate ignoring or tolerating outright abuse from a spouse.)

One possibility is for you to try to enlarge your life beyond husband, job and food. I'm not talking about an affair, but about adding new dimensions to your life that might enrich what now feels impoverished and painful. What those new dimensions -- or activities -- might be, of course, depends on what best suits you. It could be a new hobby or two, taking an adult education class in something that's long interested you, socializing more with women friends... whatever works for you. Of course, counseling could also help you sort out and address your options. Good luck.