Coping With Grief

Grief comes to everyone at some point. Life is full of losses, through death, divorce, moves and job changes. Even though everyone encounters grief, we all experience it differently. How do you cope with grief? In your own way.

Sometimes grief can be harder to recognize when it is not related to a death. Changing jobs and leaving a group of coworkers after many years can produce feelings of loss. Loss of a marriage or relationship may force you to be relieved to end a bad situation without allowing the time to grieve the loss.

What interferes with grief? Trying to ignore it or not recognizing it. Knowing that you are grieving can get you to the next step of letting yourself grieve. You may be inclined to put other people first and attend to their needs while ignoring your own.

Recognizing grief means recognizing its symptoms. Sadness and crying may be part of it, but you may also have trouble concentrating or remembering, no appetite or sleep disturbances. Activities you used to enjoy may seem empty and pointless. If you are grieving a death, you might forget that the person is dead or feel like they are there or dream about them.

You may be familiar with the stages of grief identified by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her book On Death and Dying (1969). Those stages--denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance--are common among people dealing with grief. But they are not linear and they are not checkpoints in a marathon. You may experience some but not all, and not in a particular order. Some people never get angry and some people never get past anger.

Here are some steps that can help you cope with grief:

Let yourself feel it. Know that there are times you will be sad and let yourself be sad. Recognize that grief can also appear as anxiety or anger. Ask if you are truly reacting to a given situation or simply channeling your grief. You may also try to avoid grief by numbing it with alcohol or drugs or by jumping into a new situation (like a job or a relationship).
Find an outlet. Write in a journal or blog about your feelings of loss while you are still experiencing them. Reading it later on can help you measure your progress.
Take care of your body. Eating right, exercise, adequate sleep and moderation with alcohol can make a difference.
Let people help you. Friends and family can be supportive in the immediate aftermath of a loss, but you may not need help then. If you need help six months later, let people know. Investigate support groups or organizations dedicated to your particular type of loss.
Stay connected. Although grief may feel like something you experience alone, stay connected with others. People who have strong social connections are better situated to handle grief. In addition, studies show that many people do not take advantage of support groups for grief, even though they have been shown to help.
Don't put yourself on anyone else's timetable. You may expect to grieve for a certain period of time, months or maybe a year, but be prepared for setbacks. For example, after your mother dies, you may expect to be sad on your mother's birthday and be prepared to spend a quiet day. But you may not expect grief to hit you on the Fourth of July, when you remember how your mom always hated loud fireworks displays.
Realize that grief changes as we change. Each episode of grief changes us, and how we face it depends on many factors. If you managed well after the death of one grandmother that doesn't mean you'll know what to expect when the other one dies. You may have moved a dozen times since childhood and know how to settle down anywhere, but then suddenly your 15th move has you flailing emotionally.

In some cases, grief that becomes protracted can turn into depression. If you sense that your grief is not improving, seek professional help. You may need a therapist to discuss your problems, a physician to prescribe medication, or both. Grief can take over your life if you let it.