I'm a 22-year-old woman. Every time my husband and I argue, I always cry. Then he gets mad at me for crying. I keep telling him that I can't help it. If I'm happy I sometimes cry, when I get angry I cry, and when I'm sad I cry. He says that I cry for every little thing. I always tell him that I have a soft heart. Is it wrong to cry for "every little thing"?

S.

It sounds like you and your husband are experiencing a clash of emotional styles. You certainly have a right to cry when you feel like it, and some people are more sensitive and cry more easily than others.

I wonder if part of the problem is how your husband interprets your crying, especially when you're arguing. Perhaps he sees your crying as a sign that you want -- or need -- to stop the fighting, and he's frustrated because nothing has been resolved. He may feel like a bully when you cry. He may see your tears as an attempt to manipulate the situation and get the original argument off-track. Or he may be uncomfortable as a whole with crying and not know how best to handle such situations.

Psychologist Harriett Lerner has written several good books about the dynamics or patterns of relationships. Her first book, The Dance of Anger, might provide some useful food for thought about situations such as yours. (I also like her second book, The Dance of Intimacy.)

It may also help to talk with your husband about the pattern of your arguments -- especially your crying and how it makes him mad. Try to understand what about your crying bothers him, and why, and help him understand what your crying truly means if his interpretation is incorrect.

The two of you could also try to come up with a way to argue or discuss your differences that lessens the possibility of such episodes dissolving into tears and frustration. You can clarify whether there is anything in particular he does that makes you cry -- for instance, the use of certain language or phrases, or raising his voice. If there ARE particular triggers, he might be able to avoid them in the future and lessen the chances of your crying.