A friend of mine was just told by her 22-year-old daughter that she is gay. The mother is having such a hard time about this. She came to me, but I really didn't know what advice to give her other than to seek professional help. I listened and try to comfort her but she is really very depressed about this, and I'm very worried. She has always had a very loving relationship with her three children, and she feels awful about what other people will think of her daughter.

S.

I can understand your friend's distress, with the amount of homophobia in the world. Who would want their son or daughter to experience the hate and rejection that sometimes occurs toward gays and lesbians in politically and religiously conservative communities today?

It's to your friend's credit that her daughter felt able to disclose her orientation and, I hope, feel love and acceptance within her own family. Such support may help her weather the rejection she may find elsewhere. It may also help your friend to remind herself that it's impossible for anyone, no matter how saintly, to be liked or approved by everyone. (Even Jesus was crucified!) If her daughter expressed any degree of individuality in the world -- sexual or otherwise -- she'd probably run into some people who disliked her. And if she tried to please everyone, she'd tick off those who'd feel she should show more backbone.

I recently read a review of a book on the nature of homosexuality that your friend might find interesting: "Changing Ones: Third and Fourth Genders in Native North America," by Will Roscoe. (Actually, she might find the review as interesting as the book itself, in that the review was written by the mother of a gay man. The review is in Vol. 18, No. 2, of The San Francisco Jung Institute Library Journal and is titled "Carrying the Opposites Within Oneself," by Gilda Frantz. A library may be able to get your friend a copy of the review.) Roscoe describes Native American cultures who respected and understood gender diversity, and in fact honored such individuals and their parents.

Your friend also may benefit from contacting Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG), an organization promoting the health and well-being of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people and their families and friends. PFLAG provides support, education and opportunities for grassroots activism with the goal of creating a society with a healthy respect for human diversity.