I am 55. My two brothers are married. I am divorced. My parents are very ill. I tried to date, but every time I was supposed to go out, my parents called me and I rushed over to their house and canceled my date. My mother depends on me 100 percent. She has Alzheimer's and is very demanding. If I don't do what she wants, she puts a guilt trip on me. My father got a new heart six years ago. My sons (ages 20 and 25) are mad at me for not spending more quality time with them. I am so depressed that I sometimes do not want to live my life like this. What should I do?

T.C.

It sounds as though you're sandwiched between the demands of your adult parents and your adult children, and the pressure from both may be depleting you and contributing to your depression. For your own health (both emotionally and physically), it's important that you take good care of your own needs, which include having a personal life independent of your parents' and your sons'.

I recommend that you get help with your parents, from your brothers if possible. (If they can't pitch in physically, perhaps they can contribute financially to the costs of hiring assistance.) You may need to learn to assert yourself more with your parents (and others, including your brothers and sons, if necessary) in order to make sure you are able to spend some time and energy on your OWN life. Unless it's a life-threatening emergency, I wouldn't cancel your plans at your parents' request. You might also experiment with not telling your parents about a planned date, to see if there's any relationship between their crises -- or demands -- and their knowledge of your activities.

Alzheimer's is certainly a difficult condition for anyone to deal with, and may be harder on the person's loved ones than the individual him or herself. But I wonder if your mother was this demanding before she had Alzheimer's, or if you have always had trouble setting limits with her or others' demands upon you. If so, her behavior may be more indicative of longstanding personality traits and/or mother-child dynamics than of Alzheimer's itself. And is not healthy for either of you.

Your mother's physician may be able to recommend a support group for family members and caregivers of people with Alzheimer's. But it may also benefit you to talk with a counselor individually for help in identifying and addressing the factors contributing to your stress and depression. (To learn more about assertiveness, check out a book such as Manuel Smith's When I Say No I Feel Guilty.) Your or your parents' physician may be able to recommend someone you can talk to who's outside the family and thus can provide YOU with some much-needed support. Good luck.