I have been unable to get over the depression of having an abortion 16 years ago. I did not want to have one, but I was in an abusive relationship and was told if I didn't, it would be beaten out of me. I never had any children, and now I'm facing having a hysterectomy for medical problems. I can't seem to move out of the past. I dream about being pregnant, and when the baby is born, it is the size it would have been at the time of the abortion. Any suggestions on how to cope with these deep emotions?

J.S.

Abortion can be a difficult experience for anyone, but being (or feeling) forced to end a pregnancy against one's will can add another layer of pain. I'm sorry you were ever in such a hurtful relationship, and I certainly hope you're no longer in it or in any other relationship in which your wishes are not respected and violence is an issue.

OB/GYN Christiane Northrup, M.D., author of Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom, reports that many women have abortions they don't want because the men in their lives insist on it. Such coerced abortions can poison relationships and lead to a woman feeling as though she has betrayed herself. Northrup discusses the physical and emotional sequelae of abortion in her excellent book and suggests ways of resolving the trauma. You might find the book worth looking at.

If a client of mine reported recurring depression about a past abortion, I'd encourage her to talk, journal, paint, draw or sculpt what she felt about the abortion then and now. I'd explore with her the reasons for the abortion, and what she feels her life and the child's would have been like if the pregnancy had continued to term. Might the child have been abused or neglected, for instance, by a rejecting parent? (I've worked with enough people abused and neglected as children to not wish that on anyone. Some of them wish they had never been born.)

I might ask such a client to imagine what the child (or spirit of the child, if that's in accordance with her beliefs) might say to her ... and, perhaps more important, what she might say to the child. We might talk about her spiritual or religious beliefs on abortion, and the concept of forgiveness. Can she, for instance, forgive herself for her role in the abortion? Does she feel that God can or will forgive her? (She could also, of course, explore these issues with the minister, priest or rabbi of her choice.)

I hope these thoughts provide you with some options to explore in regards to your own healing. If you continue to experience difficulty, perhaps it would help to see a therapist experienced in helping women heal from such trauma. Your gynecologist might be able to refer you to such a professional. Good luck.