I am 43 and have been married 25 years. I was sexually molested by my stepfather during my childhood. I have never been able to have a complete sexual relationship with anyone. About 12 years ago I had a relationship with a woman. It was totally different. I tried to put this all behind me and not think about it. Recently, I decided I had enough, and I believe I am a lesbian. Could my sexual preference have anything to do with the abuse? Is there a possibility that with therapy I will be able to live a straight life and be fulfilled with that?

Sharon

Most scientists today consider homosexuality (by which I include both gay and lesbian sexual orientation) to be largely biologically determined. Although some homosexuals were abused as children, there are plenty of gay men and lesbian women who were NOT sexually abused as children, and heterosexual men and women who WERE.

Many people who were sexually abused develop fears or phobias about sexual intimacy, and often emotional intimacy as well -- both of which can affect their marriages or other close relationships regardless of their sexual orientation. Whether or not your sexual orientation or preference is related to your childhood abuse -- and if so, is something you want to try to change in therapy -- is something that ultimately only you can decide. If you have fears or phobias around male-female sex that arise from your childhood abuse, it IS possible to resolve them in a caring heterosexual relationship (sometimes with the help of individual or marital therapy). But if your sexual preference is primarily biological, and thus you would have been attracted to women even if you hadn't been sexually abused by a man as a child, I wouldn't think therapy addressing your past trauma would have any effect on your sexual orientation.

One thing I do know is that it's possible for you or any abuse survivor to lead a fulfilling life, whether or not that includes a romantic relationship, and whether that relationship is heterosexual or homosexual. The most important factor in the equation is that you be true to yourself. If you try to live a "straight" life when your emotional and sexual feelings draw you to women, I doubt you can feel truly happy in your marriage or in another heterosexual relationship. (Not to mention that would probably be unfair to your husband or any other man with whom you became involved.)

If you haven't done so already, I encourage you to find a therapist who is accepting of both homosexuality and heterosexuality who can help you explore these issues as well as the nature of your marriage, including any marital problems (sexual or otherwise) that might be unrelated to your history of abuse.