Oh, did I ever know that headline would get your attention.

Okay, are you really, really ready for the real, true, honest dirt? The complete truth about Hollywood diet secrets? I promise you, this is the real deal, and I'm going to back it up with hard evidence, so get set to take notes. Here's the real, serious-business truth about the dieting secrets of the Hollywood stars:

There are none.

Want proof? I compiled the following from recent interviews and articles on the dieting "secrets" of Hollywood stars: Alicia Silverstone is a vegan. Joan Lunden eats fruit. Jennifer Aniston is on the Zone. Diane Sawyer does the Cabbage Soup Diet. Heather Locklear likes McDonald's and French fries. Jennifer Lopez eats eight mini-meals. Claudia Schiffer sips green tea. Patricia Heaton eats lots of dairy. Melanie Griffith drinks smoothies. Demi Moore eats lots of protein. Nia Peeples shuns protein. Kelly Preston eats oatmeal and bagels.

In other words, as the brilliant writer William Goldman once said about Hollywood:

"Nobody knows anything."

In fact, the only remotely sensible statement I found anywhere in researching this column was one by Sarah Michelle Gellar, who basically said, "Look, it's crazy for people to try to be as thin as we are. We have personal trainers and personal chefs. It's our job to look this way."