Even then, folks, it ain't easy. Check out some of those "candid" photos of the stars when they're not made up and done up and dressed up and are just relaxing on the beach, not realizing they're being stalked by some paparazzo with a 500mm telephoto lens and a contract with the tabloids.

No, we'd love to believe that everyone in Hollywood has the magic secret, and if only we could figure out what it was, we too could look like they do. Nice theory, but it has a few holes in it.

Number one: There's no "they." Hollywood stars come in all shapes and sizes and metabolic and genetic types just like we do, they have varying degrees of addiction just like we do, they have varying degrees of discipline and motivation just like we do, and they respond completely differently to different regimens. Just like we do.

Number two: They don't know any more than we do. Most go to their friends or hairdressers for diet tips, or get introduced to the latest diet guru because they share the same publicist. Some stars hire people to tell them what to do, and the people they hire are as different in their approaches and as varied in their skills as any group of experts on diet and nutrition anywhere. Which is to say a lot. Sure, some trainers or nutritionists become "hot" for a while, just like a hairstylist does, but they get "not hot" faster than the wardrobe changes at the Radio City Christmas Show. I've seen a dozen come into favor and go out faster than you can say E! True Hollywood Story.

Number three: They struggle with the same issues about food and drink as we do, and their bodies respond in the same variety of ways. The only differences are that they do it in full view of the public and that they have access to magicians -- otherwise known as hair, makeup and lighting people -- who do things to them that you simply can't believe unless you've seen it done in front of your very eyes. I have, and I can tell you this: What these folks can do makes Sigfried and Roy's show look like a card trick.