Diet Secrets of the Hollywood Stars

Oh, did I ever know that headline would get your attention.

Okay, are you really, really ready for the real, true, honest dirt? The complete truth about Hollywood diet secrets? I promise you, this is the real deal, and I'm going to back it up with hard evidence, so get set to take notes. Here's the real, serious-business truth about the dieting secrets of the Hollywood stars:

There are none.

Want proof? I compiled the following from recent interviews and articles on the dieting "secrets" of Hollywood stars: Alicia Silverstone is a vegan. Joan Lunden eats fruit. Jennifer Aniston is on the Zone. Diane Sawyer does the Cabbage Soup Diet. Heather Locklear likes McDonald's and French fries. Jennifer Lopez eats eight mini-meals. Claudia Schiffer sips green tea. Patricia Heaton eats lots of dairy. Melanie Griffith drinks smoothies. Demi Moore eats lots of protein. Nia Peeples shuns protein. Kelly Preston eats oatmeal and bagels.

In other words, as the brilliant writer William Goldman once said about Hollywood:

"Nobody knows anything."

In fact, the only remotely sensible statement I found anywhere in researching this column was one by Sarah Michelle Gellar, who basically said, "Look, it's crazy for people to try to be as thin as we are. We have personal trainers and personal chefs. It's our job to look this way."

Even then, folks, it ain't easy. Check out some of those "candid" photos of the stars when they're not made up and done up and dressed up and are just relaxing on the beach, not realizing they're being stalked by some paparazzo with a 500mm telephoto lens and a contract with the tabloids.

No, we'd love to believe that everyone in Hollywood has the magic secret, and if only we could figure out what it was, we too could look like they do. Nice theory, but it has a few holes in it.

Number one: There's no "they." Hollywood stars come in all shapes and sizes and metabolic and genetic types just like we do, they have varying degrees of addiction just like we do, they have varying degrees of discipline and motivation just like we do, and they respond completely differently to different regimens. Just like we do.

Number two: They don't know any more than we do. Most go to their friends or hairdressers for diet tips, or get introduced to the latest diet guru because they share the same publicist. Some stars hire people to tell them what to do, and the people they hire are as different in their approaches and as varied in their skills as any group of experts on diet and nutrition anywhere. Which is to say a lot. Sure, some trainers or nutritionists become "hot" for a while, just like a hairstylist does, but they get "not hot" faster than the wardrobe changes at the Radio City Christmas Show. I've seen a dozen come into favor and go out faster than you can say E! True Hollywood Story.

Number three: They struggle with the same issues about food and drink as we do, and their bodies respond in the same variety of ways. The only differences are that they do it in full view of the public and that they have access to magicians -- otherwise known as hair, makeup and lighting people -- who do things to them that you simply can't believe unless you've seen it done in front of your very eyes. I have, and I can tell you this: What these folks can do makes Sigfried and Roy's show look like a card trick.

Once in a while, a star will lend her name to a diet book or workout video. Most often, if it's any good, it was designed by someone else. The stars may have some input, just like they do when they release a signature-line perfume, but you don't really think Elizabeth Taylor sat there and blended 65 notes of fragrance, do you? New York trainer Radu designed Cindy Crawford's first video. Keli Roberts did Cher's. And the popular Somersizing books are basically modified versions of The Schwarzbein Principle by Dr. Diana Schwarzbein, who was Somers's advisor on the project. (But Suzanne does look great on the book jacket.)

Now this is not a put-down to Hollywood stars. I've known many of them and they're very nice people (at least some are). But they are not the best people to turn to for nutritional advice. Look, it's hard enough to find a nutritionist who knows what he or she is doing. Why would you expect biochemistry expertise from Gwyneth Paltrow?

There is one secret to Hollywood diets, and it's the same secret I've been telling Shape Uppers for years now. It's the only secret you'll ever need to know, and if you really get it and accept it, you'll be on the way to success not only in weight loss but also in life. Here it is:

Everybody's different.

Oh, by the way, 'case you were interested: Mel Gibson doesn't eat chicken.

Wanna know why?

He read somewhere that men who eat chicken breasts run the risk of sprouting breasts themselves.

Questions, anyone?

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