My daughter is seven years old. She is 55 inches tall and 87 pounds, which makes her about 20 pounds overweight. I don't want her to feel like I am the food police, or that I am watching every move she makes, but I do not want her to have a problem with her weight for the rest of her life. I would like to find some fun ways to help her that could become a part of our everyday life. I really feel like she is too young to be on a diet. She wants to wear all of the latest styles that the girls her age are wearing, and it breaks my heart not to be able to buy them for her. Please help us.

You are absolutely correct that you don't want to become "the food police" for your daughter, for that would just set up another area where you two clash. I'm also glad to hear that you don't want your daughter to go on a diet, since research shows that not only do diets not work for kids, they actually can backfire and cause children to gain even more weight.

So if we know what NOT to do, what on Earth can parents do to help our overweight kids? Try these ideas:

• Instead of rapid weight loss, to protect children's health it's best to slow rate of weight gain so that as our kids get older, they also become slimmer.

• If weight loss itself isn't the goal, then we should set our sights on healthier eating and exercise habits that will last a lifetime.

• Look for a Shapedown or Hugs program in your area. Both are fantastic programs that involve the entire family in helping the child and family figure out what to do about an overweight child. Many hospitals offer these intensive programs, which really do help kids grow into their weight.

• If there aren't any established programs for kids in your area, you can change some things on your own:

• Make sure you and the rest of the family are good role models for any of the habits you want to change. Want your child to choose healthier snacks? Make sure she sees you eating apples and not chips. Love to see your child play outside after school instead of watching TV? Play outside with her.
• Establish good eating habits for the entire family. Prepare lower-fat foods, make sure the portions you prepare are reasonable, offer healthier desserts that include fruit and less fat or sugar, and stock the house with lower-fat, lower-calorie snacks. There are no "diet" foods, and everybody eats the same things.
• Eat as many family meals together as you can, in order to model healthy eating habits as well as to establish some quality time together.
• Understand that it's a parent's job to provide healthy foods and a child's job to figure out how much of those foods to eat. Encourage your child to stop eating when full, but don't serve her food for her to regulate her portions.
• If your child eats for emotional reasons such as boredom or anger, she most likely learned those habits from the rest of the family. For her to learn to substitute other behaviors for eating in those situations, she'll need some help and guidance from you. Discuss her feelings, suggest alternatives that don't involve food, and again, model these behaviors. For example, instead of suggesting you bake cookies together after a hard day at school, go for a bike ride and talk out the problems instead.
• Limit TV time. Numerous studies show that the more hours of TV kids watch, the fatter they get. "TV time" includes video and computer games as well. Encourage activities that get kids moving instead. Playing outside with friends is a great activity; they don't need to be signed up for the swim team to be active.
• Make sure your daughter knows you love her for who she is, and not for her body shape. Of course you know that, but she might not. The more self-esteem and pride kids have, the easier it is for them to grow up into well-adjusted adults instead of focusing their lives on their weight.
• If you have food issues, make sure you deal with them as well. Kids learn dieting behaviors from us; they learn to dislike their bodies from us; they learn that you must be thin to be successful from us. To change our children's behavior we often first must clean up our own act.

Lynn Grieger, R.D., C.D.E. iVillage

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