Help! My Partner Overeats!

By:
Jonny Bowden

So you've finally got this eating thing down, more or less. You're a veteran of the "diet wars." You've learned what foods make you feel good and which ones derail your weight-loss efforts. You've even got the sweet-tooth thing down, at least most of the time. The scale beginning to move, your clothes are fitting better, and exercise is finally starting to feel like a habitual part of your life. All told, you're feeling pretty darn good about things.

And then ... there's the Significant Other plunked down in front of the TV with beer, potato chips and pretzels.

Or ...

You go out to dinner, and he can't resist the third piece of Italian bread. (And that's just for openers.)

Or ...

You're at a wedding and that dessert buffet just keeps singing its siren song. Except you stay in your seat while he sings three-part harmony with it.

What do you do?

Think about it for a second, and then I'll tell you what I think you should do. But first, visualize the situation -- there's no one reading this column who hasn't experienced some version of it. Maybe it's not your significant other, maybe it's your kid, or your best friend at work. You can substitute whoever you want, but you know that sinking feeling I'm talking about when the person you care about is sitting across from you performing culinary suicide. Okay, did you formulate your answer? Good. Here's mine:

You do ...

Nothing.

And I'll tell you why.

But first you have to ask yourself the following question: What is the purpose of any intervention you might make?

Most people respond to that by saying they want to help their loved ones eat better. They want to impart their newfound information about health and feeling good, and share that with the people around them. Okay, great. That's a noble and worthwhile goal, and I'll tell you how best to achieve it. Some people would probably confess that watching others binge on stuff that they themselves only recently gave up triggers feelings of longing or craving that makes it much harder for them to stay on track. That's an honest response, and probably a big part of what makes us crazy when our loved ones go off the deep end.

So why, then, do I say "do nothing"?

For several reasons. One, did lecturing and preaching ever accomplish anything? Did it ever stop you from doing something that wasn't good for you? (Hint: think "teenager.") Does it ever really work? More likely, it's just plain annoying.

Two, if your intention is truly to help your partner/friend/loved one, there are better ways to do it than nagging. No one likes the food police. And you know what? No one likes being the food police. As a nutritionist and health coach, every time I go to some social event, I can count on at least some people looking up from their plates with guilty expressions and saying some version of, "I shouldn't be eating this, right?" It's not fun for them, and it's not fun for me. So I'm giving you permission: Turn in your badge. There are better ways to accomplish what you're after.

Finally, if the thing that pushes your buttons is the fact that they can do it and you can't, well then, welcome to the world. It's a feeling every recovered alcoholic deals with every day of his or her life. Some people can eat this stuff, and some can't. You can't. Deal with it.

Eat the way you need to eat for your own well-being and let your resultant good health and vitality be their own advertisement. Lead by example. Be someone the people around you admire and want to emulate. You don't have to change the world, and you don't have to reform everyone else. Trust that they will come to you when and if they're ready. They will.

Got a question or comment for Jonny? Post it on the Shape Up message board!