How to Help a Dangerously Overweight Friend

Part of being a good girlfriend is to tell your best bud she looks fabulous, even if she thinks she's put on a few pounds. But what happens when your friend's weight becomes so out of control it's literally killing her? Her blood pressure and cholesterol might be elevated; she might even be flirting with diabetes. Worse, her self-esteem is in the dumps, and she's miserable. You wish she'd take action, and as her friend you really want to help. But how can you help her without shaming, preaching or otherwise making a bad situation worse?

First, you must understand that your friend knows she has a problem. She is reminded of it at every turn: picking out clothes in the morning, struggling with her choices at breakfast, squeezing into a seat on the bus, overhearing colleagues' whispered comments, etc. The world won't let her forget that she's overweight. Therefore, for you to say, "I'm concerned about your weight," is not going to be the opening to a productive conversation. No matter how sincere your concern or genuine your desire to help, you risk putting your friend on the defensive.

You can also forget the more "subtle" hints like the gift certificate for a personal training session or basket of diet foods. Although these kinds of gifts might be thoughtful for someone who is already committed to an active, nutrition-conscious lifestyle, for someone who isn't, your gifts are nothing more than a thinly disguised harangue. If you are on a self-appointed mission to motivate your friend, you might learn the hard way that it's a thankless, impossible task. Ultimately, the motivation has to come from her. But that doesn't mean you can't ‑- and shouldn't ‑- help her find it. In fact, that's part of being a great girlfriend.

The best way to help is to be a friend, not a coach. For example, don't say, "You might want to try this women-only gym that just opened." Instead, try, "There's a women-only gym that just opened, and I'm going to check it out on Friday." Before you even add the almost knee-jerk, "Do you want to come with me?" wait a few beats. Your friend might surprise you and say, "Hey, I've been thinking about joining a gym! Can I tag along?" Or, if she's not ready for that, she might open up and tell you that she's been avoiding gyms because she doesn't want to be seen wearing tight-fitting exercise clothes. By giving her the chance to talk, you are genuinely helping her work through whatever barriers are preventing her from taking action.

Another way you can help is to model healthy behaviors. Let her see you ordering a salad for lunch. Even if she orders "the usual," she'll notice. When she asks whether you want to split a dessert, say lightly, "No, thanks, I'm staying away from sweets." Again, by using "I" language and not "you," you've created a space for her to respond, or at least think, about her food choices. She might say, "I should skip dessert, too," or she might say, "I wish I could skip dessert, but I just don't feel full unless I have something sweet." If you want to seize this opportunity, remember to continue using yourself as an example. You might respond, "I used to feel that way about dessert, but after passing it up a few times, it began to feel natural."

Finally, don't let your friend's weight problem become your problem. As a friend, you are there to support her ‑- not to become her personal trainer, nutritionist, mom or shrink. If she needs help to guide her progress, make sure she gets it from an appropriate source. Also, continue to be her friend in other ways. Go to the movies, get manicures, swap gossip and keep doing all the things that have always characterized your friendship. Let your message be, "I am your friend. I love you. I'm here for you." Let her do the rest.