Nightly bingeing is my number one problem. I plan my day, set goals and stay on my diet all day. But after I get home from work I fall apart. I eat anything and everything. It doesn't matter what it is -- I have no self-control at night. It doesn't matter how I'm feeling, because either way I always eat. Please help!

You say you have no "self-control" at night, but I would suggest you are very much IN control. It sounds like you are using food to meet needs and handle feelings that you don't know how to deal with in a healthier manner.

Let me explain. It's true that feeling "out of control" is a common complaint among emotional eaters. It often feels like the jelly doughnuts sprout wings and cram themselves down our throats. Other times it feels like an alien presence has invaded the decision-making center of our brains, making us do stupid things against our will. We criticize ourselves for being so weak and powerless, when what we REALLY want is to be thin and healthy.

Let's get real. Fattening foods don't really fly. Aliens don't stage cognitive coups. Eating requires a decision to eat. Eating requires a deliberate act. Therefore, it's impossible to be "out of control" of our eating. Right?

Well, yes and no. To understand this control-vs.-out-of-control paradox, it's necessary to understand that although eating does require a decision to eat, our decision can be influenced by both conscious AND unconscious factors. We're not always aware of the feelings and issues that drive us to binge or graze. We can be in such internal conflict that while our right hand is stuffing the cream puff, our left hand tries to stop it. With great bewilderment we watch this vicious battle -- and end up feeling like a loser every time.

To understand control and eating, we also have to recognize the emotional power of food. Food is a unique substance: It gets right down into our belly, where we have all those "gut-wrenching" feelings, and soothes the turmoil. For many, food is a primary emotional coping technique. It distracts. It calms. It's dependable. And it is almost always readily available. No wonder, then, that so many of us feel out of control in the face of stress -- we don't know what else to do besides eat.

When we spend all day meeting everyone else's needs, it's often the case that after the kids are no longer demanding our time and energy, we sit down and "give" to ourselves with food. It's crucial to avoid buying into the destructive and disempowering notion that we are "out of control" by recognizing that eating requires a choice. If we tune into the lurking feelings and issues that affect our judgment, then we can make a coping choice that might be more direct -- and ultimately, more satisfying -- than overeating.

Only then can we truly be in control.