I am a 23-year-old college student. About five years ago I was in the best shape of my life -- then I got involved in an abusive relationship and ended up gaining 40 pounds. I am so depressed. I don't go out anymore because I have this idea that "fat people shouldn't have fun." That makes me even more depressed and I use food to comfort myself. I know I'm punishing myself. I would like to start working out again, but every time I try, I lose motivation, give up and become more depressed. I am so lost and scared. Please help.

First of all, let me say this: you are a very smart young lady. You are very in touch with what's going on with you and very aware of your patterns. You are not blaming others and you are not in denial. That alone puts you way ahead of the game.

You are also a good example of the maxim that dysfunctional eating behavior can have many causes -- physiological, emotional, metabolic, psychological and any combination thereof. To me, it sounds like you have not fully worked through the issues in your abusive relationship. On some level, you have internalized an image of yourself as someone who deserves to be abused. It's obvious from your letter know a lot about what's going on, yet do it anyway. You're not alone. Many people understand the reasons for their behavior, yet feel powerless to stop doing the things that are causing them pain.

I suggest you get some help working through your self-esteem issues. This could take the form of counseling, support groups for people who've been in abusive relationships, or even a 12-step group for overeaters. While you may not think of yourself as someone who belongs in such groups, you will meet other people there who have issues like yours, and you may be able to accelerate your own healing with the support of others in the same boat.

If you begin to rebuild your self-esteem from the inside, the rest of you will follow. Meanwhile, don't wait till you feel better to begin to act differently -- start by acting like you feel better, even if you don't. Your posture, your walk, the way you speak, the way you hold your head -- do all these things as if you felt like a winner. The mind has an amazing way of copying what the body is doing. Even if you don't believe it, begin acting like you feel good about yourself.

As far as changing your food and exercise habits, keep in mind the words of Aristotle: "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence is not an act, but a habit." You need to start building habits slowly -- one day at a time. Add one vegetable. Walk around the block. Stuff like that. Before you know it, you will be building a whole new identity -- one much closer to who you really are. The abused and confused person who lives inside you needs to be recognized and acknowledged, but you don't need to give her all the power.

And remember, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. My wish for you is that one day you will look back on this period in your life and be grateful -- because it will have enriched your capacity for compassion and helped you to grow.

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