My boyfriend and I have been going out for about four years, and my weight has always gone up and down like a yo-yo. Over the past six months I've gotten bigger than I normally do, and this has made me feel quite uncomfortable in bed. He has no problem with my weight and always accepts me as I am. However, he wants to carry on as normal in bed, and I don't feel as if I want to. Well, I do want to, but I don't feel confident enough. He doesn't seem to understand and gets annoyed when I get moody or don't want to be touched. I'm not sure how to help the situation. I'm going to the gym twice a week now and swimming, and I'm trying to cut down on food. Please help me! --F

Dear F:

There are a lot of issues that you have raised, not least about your self-esteem. Growing your self-esteem begins as an inside job, not as something to obtain from the outside world. How we feel about ourselves as sexual beings forms the foundation for everything else related to our sexual expression. Here is a practice that I heartily suggest you start today: Stand in front of the mirror and begin with speaking these words out loud to yourself: "I, (your name), am a beautiful, worthwhile and lovable woman. ... I, (your name), am desirable, sexy and I deserve all the love and pleasure in the world." Say that to yourself at least once each day, without wincing or looking away. That will begin to change your innermost thoughts about yourself as a sexual person, I promise you.

Next, start working on your physical body by taking back your power with food, exercise and sexuality. It seems to me that you have a treasure in that boyfriend, a guy who's tolerant and worth keeping. Perhaps your swinging moods are contributing to some of the tension you feel. If you eat sugar in any form, eliminate it. It alone can create damaging shifts in emotional states and make you crave more. Weight Watchers or a similar group may help you tremendously to whither away those extra pounds and those bad feelings that your hefty bod provokes. Simply exercising regularly will lift your moods, tighten the key areas for looking good and make your endorphins soar. Regular physical exercise is one of the ways of getting fit inside and out. It usually also opens up the sexual channel. Twelve-step programs, such as Overeaters Anonymous, may also assist you, so check them out. Use iVillage resources, such as the Diet and Fitness Channel, to help you in your journey toward a new body and look. Then let yourself feel the new you and the good things that are already in front of your nose. Now, indulge your senses in pleasures of the flesh, and put your focus on the man who loves you and wants you in his arms.