About a year ago, my husband had an affair. I chose to stay with him even though I was very hurt emotionally. I asked him to stay away from the worker he had the affair with, even if it meant getting another job, but he continues to work closely with her, and it seems like she is still a good friend. I have told him that this upsets me, but he shrugs it off. He and I are not getting along so well lately. He seems to be shutting me out, just like a year ago when this all began. I don't know how much longer I can live this way. Please help.

B.

I strongly recommend that you and your husband get couples counseling. If he won't go with you to see a therapist, go alone.

There's a saying among psychologists: "Past behavior predicts future behavior." While I certainly can't guarantee what your husband is thinking, feeling or doing, the fact that you're observing behavior similar to that exhibited when he was having an affair speaks volumes. Even if he's not involved with the coworker again, or with another woman, he may be experiencing other problems that are affecting your marriage.

If a client came to me with a similar scenario -- and her husband refused to join her in counseling -- I'd try to help her identify her needs in life as a whole as well as in marriage. Then we'd look at how she might be able to meet those needs herself, when possible. In other words, how can she take charge of her own happiness? If her husband's behavior is distressing and he refuses to change, can she accept his continuing along the same old path? Does she want to continue to accompany him in that journey, or set out on a new path without him? (If there are children involved, of course, that complicates the picture. Will she choose to stay in an unsatisfying marriage for the sake of the children? Even if she leaves her husband, she would continue to have some connection with him forever through their children.)

All these questions -- and more -- are ones you can process with your own therapist. If your husband is willing to accompany you to counseling, that's great -- a therapist could help both of you understand and address the reasons for your husband's past affair and his current behavior. Good luck.