What kind of help is available to a man who is trying to divorce a violent and abusive wife? There are many options for women, but none that I am aware of for men. He is very worried about their daughter, age 9. Please help.

C.B.

Domestic violence against men is a controversial subject that is sometimes muddied by political agendas.

Some people (many feminists among them) seem to feel women are the only possible victims of battering, due to women (on average) being much smaller and physically weaker than men (on average). Other people (particularly conservative men) seem to interpret ANY woman's violence toward a man as being abusive, even if the woman was acting in self-defense or reacting to years of battering by the man she attacked. And some previously nonviolent men may have been wrongfully accused of battering when they hit women while trying to defend themselves from physically abusive rage.

It's true that the average man can kill the average woman with his bare hands, while most women (unless trained in the martial arts) would have a hard time causing much physical damage to a man. But some large and/or very strong women CAN physically hurt a man in a fistfight. And, of course, weapons can make body size and strength much less of an issue.

I applaud efforts to educate the public about domestic violence and to provide resources for ALL victims of domestic violence. Women (and children) traditionally have had less physical, social and economic power than men in our society, so it makes sense that most domestic violence resources and education campaigns would be designed to aid women. Unfortunately, the emphasis on women as victims can make it hard for battered or abused men to find the help they need -- and can make them feel ashamed for needing help in the first place.

Your friend may be able to find support and assistance through SAFE (Stop Abuse For Everyone), a nonprofit organization providing advocacy, information and support for men and women who are victims of domestic violence. SAFE's mission is to provide help especially for straight men, gay men and lesbians, whose abusive situations may not be readily recognized by society at large.

If your friend's nine-year-old daughter has been physically abused (by her mother or anyone else), child protective services or the local law enforcement agency should be called for assistance. They may be able to help the child's father get both of them to a safe environment.