I am a 39-year-old woman. I was diagnosed last year with fibroids, but five days before a scheduled myomectomy, I was diagnosed with sleep apnea and type 2 diabetes, and no one would operate on me (high-risk anesthesia). Now a new doctor has said that my fibroids are so large that I will probably need a hysterectomy. I am afraid of the anesthesia, and I have this weird fear about losing my womb. I feel devastated -- like I will no longer be a woman. I know this not true, but it feels like I'm losing a defining part of me. I suffer from depression anyway, and this is another big loss. I feel so alone and frightened. I am currently single and don't know how men will react to this or how sex will feel afterwards. Is it normal to feel grief and terror at the probability of losing your uterus?

M.

It's funny that some people question why a woman would want to "keep" or even mourn the loss of her uterus if she's not interested in childbearing -- why would she miss or grieve something she didn't really "need?" But those same people would probably never question a man's desire to keep his testicles even if he didn't want to father children. Such different perspectives illustrate that the real issue is often a devaluation of women and their reproductive organs.

Yes, it's perfectly normal to feel grief or terror at the prospect of losing your uterus. While you would certainly still be a woman without it, there's no question but that the womb is symbolic for much of what constitutes us as women. Your concerns should be respected and processed.

You might find gynecologist Christiane Northrup's book Women 's Bodies, Women's Wisdom helpful in understanding what's going on in your body -- and mind -- and exploring some of your options. For instance, I'd get a second opinion before going through major surgery such as a hysterectomy. Northrup reports that some women's fibroids shrink when they make changes in their lives. In addition to making dietary changes and reducing stress, such women may have benefited from examining conflicts about creativity, reproduction and relationships.

Once you've explored your options further, you may decide that a hysterectomy is the best way for you to go. If so, you could consult a psychologist about your fears of anesthesia, or of the operation in general. (You can also discuss your fears with your doctor, of course.) You can also process your grief and loss, as well as any other emotional issues, with a psychologist or other therapist regardless of whether you decide to have a hysterectomy. Good luck with whatever you decide.