I am 15. My mother passed away from cancer when I was 12. Although I know she couldn't help it, I sort of feel abandoned. I have one older brother who is moving out to start a family of his own. My dad works a lot and I see him about one hour a week. I've noticed that I find it hard to let people get close to me, and when I feel they're too close, I back off. For example, there's a boy I like and I know that he likes me, but I'm scared to get close to him. I'm very afraid to get sexual (although that's not a completely bad thing since I'm pretty young) for fear that I won't be good enough and will be rejected and abandoned. Is my fear of social contact perhaps the result of repressed emotions from my mother's death, which I'm still not over although it's been three years?

Collette

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mother, which is a difficult thing for someone to experience at any age. But for a girl to lose the support, guidance, and role modeling of her mother as she approaches the often-turbulent adolescent years is particularly tough.

I can't say for sure whether your fears of rejection and abandonment are related to your mother's death, but it's certainly a possibility worth exploring. People who have lost loved ones may be reluctant to develop emotional bonds with anyone else for fear they will lose the newer relationship also and be wounded again. Such feelings can occur even if the person doesn't feel abandoned by the first person they lost.

Your description sounds to me almost as though you've lost both parents -- your mother to cancer and your father to his work. (I wonder if your father threw himself into his job to try to cope with his own pain over your mother's death -- a common pattern.) One hour a week is NOT enough time for a kid to spend with the only parent she has left. And now, with your brother moving out, the other important relationship in your life is changing.

I could recommend that you see a counselor or therapist to help you work through your feelings about your mother's death and your social discomfort (I agree with you, by the way, that it's a good idea to delay becoming sexually active right now). And that may indeed be of benefit. But I also think it's important for you to have someone in your personal life with whom you can talk. Your father is a good place to start.

Can you tell your father some of what you're feeling? Perhaps show him your question and my answer. You might tell him that you love him and want to spend more time with him. But above all, talk with him about your feelings. Even your feelings about boys! He might have some good advice to offer ... after all, he was once a boy himself.

If it's difficult for your father to talk about some of these things, or if you also would like a woman's opinion and support, consider talking with an adult female relative you like and trust. Or a neighbor, teacher, etc. But I suspect that developing a closer relationship with your father, if possible, would help you feel more comfortable with boys ... in addition to helping you feel less abandoned in general.