When you have sex for the first time, what can you do or what can you take to have less pain? How do I stay calm about it going in?

B.G.

Many women experience some physical pain or discomfort when the hymen is broken during the first experience of intercourse. However, the pain usually isn't intense if the woman is a willing participant. Also, many virgins do not have this pain because they have already broken their hymens accidentally during sports, minor accidents, etc. If you're very concerned about physical pain, consider seeing a female gynecologist for an exam and ask her opinion and recommendations. You can also find information about the physical aspects of first-time sex, including possible pain, in the Sexual Health area of iVillageHealth.

Regarding an emotional or psychological perspective, if a woman is feeling anxious about having sex for the first time, one possibility is to discuss her concerns with her partner beforehand. A caring man will want the sexual experience to be enjoyable for both partners and will be as gentle and loving as needed. If the woman does not feel able to discuss her feelings with her partner, she might benefit from waiting to have sex until she is able to handle the emotional as well as physical intimacy, or until she is in a healthier relationship.

In fact, I recommend that any woman having such thoughts carefully assess whether she truly wants to engage in intercourse at all right now. Is she feeling pressured by her partner to have sex before she's ready? Or is she pressuring herself out of belief that she "should" have sex even if she doesn't want to? If either situation is the case, I'd recommend she hold off on intercourse until she resolves her ambivalence -- or is in a relationship that is supportive, respectful and caring enough to honor her pacing. People whose anxiety about sex is related to past physical or sexual assaults or emotional trauma also may benefit from counseling to help them release the hold the past may have on them.

That said, if you are in a loving relationship and truly want to engage in intercourse, remind yourself beforehand that any pain associated with the initial insertion of your partner's penis will be transitory. Relax and enjoy the foreplay (kissing, snuggling, stroking, etc.) as much as possible. The more relaxed and aroused you are (which may sound paradoxical!), the more you will enjoy the experience. I'd also keep in mind that, especially during your first intercourse, neither you nor your partner have to perform perfectly. If the first time doesn't set off fireworks -- which is often the case -- you will have plenty of other occasions to explore, play and learn together how to have a mutually pleasurable experience.