I am almost 18. I had sex for the first time four months ago. I was very attracted to the guy and was very happy with him. However, the experience was not worth the suffering. He and I are no longer together, and I feel like I have done something terrible. My friends don't make it better. They tell me he was bad because I didn't (to the best of my knowledge) have an orgasm. Now I feel cheap, too. I don't know what to do, and I am afraid to have anyone even touch me, even if it's just a hug.

Sher

I'm sorry your first sexual experience (or experience of sexual intercourse) turned out so badly ... and by that I'm not referring to whether or not you had an orgasm. It's not uncommon for a woman's first intercourse to fall short of the fireworks Hollywood promotes, in part because of the pain or discomfort associated with breaking an intact hymen. (Of course, not all virgins have intact hymens, as the "maidenhead," as it was once quaintly called, can be accidentally broken through nonsexual means.)

I'm assuming that sex with your boyfriend didn't get much better after the first time, though, which may have been because you and he were not able to talk much about sex and what you do and don't like. (Many married couples aren't able to do that, either!)

I'm curious as to why you feel you have done something terrible and cheapened yourself. Did you act in accordance with your values about sex? If not, can you forgive yourself and figure out how to act more in accordance with your values in the future? If you didn't betray your values (and I'm talking about personal values, here, although religious or cultural values might be a factor as well), perhaps it would help to allow yourself time to mourn the loss of your relationship and the loss of your expectations about sex. If you haven't thought much about your values about sex, perhaps it would help to contemplate these issues now -- as long as you can do so in a way that is kind and gentle toward yourself.

Your feelings about sex (and the attitudes of your friends -- if they're really friends at all) may have contributed to your fears about being touched. You may be afraid of future betrayal in either physically or emotionally intimate relationships. If you really think it's a problem, seeing a therapist might help. But you can always let any guys who want to be close to you (physically or emotionally) know you've been burned in the past and want to take things slowly. A guy who really cares about you will understand, and respect your wishes. Any guy who DOESN'T understand, or who tries to push you into doing anything you don't want to do -- even "just" a hug -- should be avoided at all costs.