Feeling Whole (and Sexy) Again: 5 Healing Ways to Cope with Post-Mastectomy Sexuality

By:
Patti Britton

Breast cancer strikes one in nine women in America, resulting in four percent of all female deaths -- and forever changing the lives those who survive. From ravaged bodies, to strained relationships, surviving breast cancer by undergoing a mastectomy influences women's sexuality in many ways. If you have gone through a mastectomy, or know someone who has, here are solutions to five of the most common challenges for women who are courageous enough to carry on:

• Beating Body-Image Issues
• Reintroducing Erogenous Zones
• Finding the Courage to Face the Future
• Getting Past Side Effects of Medications
• Overcoming Fear of Commitment or Intimacy

After a mastectomy, some women undergo breast reconstruction and easily learn to adapt to their new shape. Others with partial or total removal (when reconstruction is not possible) report that they feel "not whole," like they're not a "real woman" any more. They fear recurring medical issues or experience self-loathing every time they look at their scars in the mirror.

On the other side, are women who learn to see themselves differently. They see their own inner beauty, learning to reframe and redefine their new skin as a sign of their beauty and womanhood. Because the female breast is part of the sexual anatomy, many women feel the pressure to have perfect breasts. Here is a secret: No one has perfect breasts. (Or, if it helps, look at it this way: Everyone has perfect breasts.) As you experience mental and emotional healing, you can redirect the way that you speak about your new shape. This is your chance to claim it as perfectly beautiful just the way it is.

If there is one part of the female sexual anatomy that gets male attention it's the breasts. That's nature at work. Biologically, the breasts are a major part of the cueing patterns for attracting a mate, and of course, they also work to feed the young of our species. Because of this, there is a great sense of loss associated with a removed or altered breast. But the idea that a change in your breasts signals a loss of sex appeal is simply not true. Sexy is as sexy feels and does. We all know that men respond to visual stimulation, but they are also attracted to how a woman feels about herself. Men derive their pleasure from a woman's pleasure, and having the courage to show that you are alive sexually will get you further with a man than any "10" in a bathing suit.

Any trauma will leave you feeling endangered. Some women claim that having a mastectomy is a reminder of their mortality and find themselves living in constant anxiety about recurrence; others emerge with a spiritual awakening, saying that they regard their breast removal or alteration as a gift that allowed them understand how precious life is and taught them to live for today.

It's the same when a family member has a life-threatening illness. In my own experience, the "gift" of such an illness was the bonding that my family felt. There was a continual focus on the deliciousness of each encounter, realizing always that it could be our last. That consciousness propels you into a different state of being, a heightened sense of being alive and a deep appreciation of the experiences you do have.

To be sexual demands a lot from your body. It involves many more components than might come to mind: the brain for thinking, the emotions for feeling, the skin for sensation, the heart for pumping blood, the lungs for breathing in more air, the muscles for lifting the pelvis, arching your back, moving your lips and more. It's complex and takes energy. After a serious illness and especially after a complicated surgery, the body needs rest and recuperation. Often it is the energy-depleting long-term recovery process that shuts down the sexual appetite of many women. The medications used for long-term treatment often have debilitating effects such as nausea and hair loss, causing personal shame and diverting the focus from pleasure to coping with pain.

But if there is one thing that couples rely on during times of duress, it's sharing forms of touch like massage or caressing. If you've recently had a mastectomy, your sex drive may be low for a while. That is a natural response of a body trying to heal and using all available energy. But you deserve to feel the pleasure that your body can provide. Allow yourself to be touched. Rent a sexy movie to let yourself reawaken sensually. Or, use your spare energy to masturbate to orgasm, if you can. The flood of nature's pain killers (endorphins and oxytocin, which gives the urge to bond) released at orgasm can produce joy for your life.

Another problem for women is avoidance of intimacy after mastectomy. Whether you are alone or with a partner, this is probably the single most important time in your life to accept the caring and nurturance around you. Let it pour in. It is common for some women (and men), when they are wounded or ill, to withdraw. It can be their way of recharging their batteries or healing themselves through sleep. However, beware that if you (or a loved one) are removed emotionally and avoiding the intimacy you had before surgery, it may be a sign that you are sliding into the abyss of negative self-talk. For example, a woman might think, "I can't imagine that any man will ever want this body," so she shuts down to the possibility and stops seeing men. Or, "I want John to have a woman he can feel proud to have as his wife. I'm so ugly, I need to let him go." These are not healing thoughts. And, believe it or not, these are generally not the thoughts of reality.

If this sounds familiar to you, take the time to examine what's real and what's not during the initial phases of recovery. It's time to replace negative self-talk with positive thoughts. "I am hot no matter what size bra I wear, and when I'm ready, the right guy will want me just the way I am." Or, "I am going to talk to John and not push him away, especially now. I know that we can work through this time together. I want him to feel fulfilled, and myself too." Being sexually appealing is much more than a change in your blouse size. Your dh knows that. Your new bf will too. Face the challenge and find the courage to see yourself as a sexy woman.

When you're ready to get back on track sexually, here are three things you can do to help yourself regain your sexual spunk:

1. Use mirror work to see your whole body as womanly, complete and whole. Heal the inner wounds first and think positive thoughts about yourself: body, mind and heart.

2. Accept your new shape, but don't be afraid to experiment. From bras to surgical implants, you have the right to explore your options. For example, the sophistication of technology today permits many women to have a range of implants, such as saline pre-filled, saline inflatable, or in rare cases, silicone. Ask your surgeon what options exist for you. Or look for the new water-filled bras that simulate a full breast. They are amazingly natural looking and feel like a hanging breast. That may restore not only your self-image, but also add a sensation that balances your sense of physical self. Wear garments that flatter your new form. Treat yourself to an image consultant who can guide you to the best colors, patterns, textures and designs for your maximal beauty.

3. Explore new experiences with touch. Most Americans live touch-deprived, and even the simple act of petting a cat or dog will have an amazing impact. On the other end of the spectrum, you do not have to jump back into full sexual swing until you are ready. However, acknowledge that your body needs care and comfort -- a good rubbing helps us all feel better. Treat yourself to a new massage video and enjoy the new pleasures you can feel. Above all, learn to love yourself, just the way you are. You deserve it.