I read your recent answer on "Normal" Grief, about someone who recently had several deaths in the family and was grieving. I unfortunately have the opposite problem. With deaths in the family, a recent breakup that should have been traumatic, and several other events that should or could have caused grief, I have failed to cry. I do not know how. I need help in relearning this basic function. Where can I get it?

Eric

Everyone has his or her own path to walk in resolving grief. The route one person takes may differ from another's, and I'm not sure whether it does anyone good to judge oneself or others for not grieving in the way one "should."

That said, your question indicates you feel the need to engage in a part of the grieving process for which you lack the skill -- or, perhaps, practice. Unfortunately, men (at least in mainstream American culture) tend to be socialized to be "strong" and often are discouraged from showing "weakness," especially in regard to emotions. (I purposefully put "strong" and "weakness" in quotation marks here to indicate these are cultural stereotypes. In reality, I don't think showing emotions or appropriate vulnerabilities is a weakness at all.)

With such encouragement (or discouragement), it's no wonder you and many men find it difficult to cry, or to grieve in whatever ways you need to. Perhaps you have become so accustomed to being the shoulder to lean on, or fixing problems that others have, that you find it difficult to "let go," or to access emotions that you have kept in check for so long.

What can you do to facilitate your grieving -- and, when needed, your tears? One option is to set some quiet times to be alone and focus on yourself and your feelings. Exactly how you do this is up to you -- you might go for a walk, or sit at home with the phone and TV turned off, or take a drive in the country (being prepared to pull over and quit driving at some point should driving become a distraction or even -- if you're upset -- dangerous). Think about what you've experienced. Notice the sensations in your body. You don't have to force anything -- just give permission for whatever is inside you to well up, and let that happen. You may experience sadness, tears, anger, despair -- one at a time, or in combination. You may start noticing some feelings, or even some tears, right away, or it may take a few such times before the feelings start to flow freely.

Some people who are not accustomed to crying are afraid that if they start, they'll never stop. But feelings -- and crying -- are like waves; they peak and pass. Other waves may come, but they, too, will pass.

Please accept my condolences on your losses.