Three weeks ago a close friend of mine died in a car accident. It was very tough because I had known her since we were children, and she was a true part of my life and helped me to become the person I am now. I saw her brain-dead in the hospital on life support, and then they had an open casket at the wake. I had never seen an open casket before, and she looked awful. I still feel so distraught. Is this normal? I'm having trouble living my life again. I go to work and all, but I just feel so sad all the time. What can I do to start feeling happy again? How do I stop missing her so much?

Amy

I'm so sorry to hear of your friend's death. It's understandable that you would be distraught over losing someone who has been such an important part of your life.

I can also understand your response to the open casket. I've been to several wakes (or visitation hours, as they tend to call them in my region), and with all due respect to morticians, I've never seen a deceased person whom I thought looked "natural," much less good, in the casket. I'd much rather remember the person as he or she was when alive and healthy. But people differ, of course, and some people appreciate having the opportunity to see the deceased person in order to achieve closure. The point is, it's really a matter of personal (and at times religious) preference, rather than of "right" and "wrong."

I hesitate to make specific comments about what you're experiencing without talking with you personally -- but, that said, it does sound to me as though what you're going through is a normal grief reaction. Would it be natural for you to NOT feel sad and not miss a close friend who'd died so suddenly, and so recently?

I can't predict the course of your grief, because everyone's journey is unique. However, if we allow ourselves to feel and appropriately express the complete range of emotions as they arise -- sadness, loss, loneliness, anger, etc. -- most of us find the intense pain eventually recedes and we become able to think of our lost loved one without tears ... even, at times, with joy. Spiritual beliefs about the nature of life and death can also provide comfort and guidance, although it's completely normal to miss being able to see and talk to someone "in the flesh" even if we believe his or her spirit lives on and that we will eventually see them again in another form.

Some grieving people find it helpful to write letters to or journal about their deceased loved ones, to express how they feel and process or release any unfinished business. Others find it comforting to talk to mutual friends or relatives. Sometimes a bereavement support group or a few sessions with a minister, priest or rabbi, or a professional counselor, can be of benefit. Whatever route your healing journey takes, I wish you the best.