I have been separated from my husband of 20 years for five years, by my choice. He has a girlfriend, but we have remained close, and he has always called once or twice a day. Three months ago he was diagnosed with cancer. I've been the one to take over and go with him to the doctors. He had surgery, and his girlfriend and I were always there. She's comfortable with the situation; I'm not. His doctors all think we're together, and he seems to want it this way! Everyone tells me how wonderful I've been, but I feel I've put my life on hold and question whether I'm doing the right thing. Obviously I care a lot about him. He doesn't seem to believe the severity of his condition, and I get no sleep thinking about it. Can you help?

Lynn

If I understand your question correctly, you're uncomfortable with continuing to act in a caregiving role to your estranged husband while he's involved with someone else. You still care about him (which might also be illustrated by the fact that after five years apart you have yet to get a divorce) and he seems to still be attached to you. Yet there's the matter of the girlfriend, and the complication of his having a possibly terminal illness, with all that might mean for you emotionally.

Of course your estranged husband prefers to have both you and his girlfriend there with him. Have you heard of the phrase "having your cake and eating it too?" It sounds like you and he may have stretched the ties that bind you, but never severed them completely in an emotional as well as legal sense. And that must have been a mutual decision, because when he became ill you stepped right back into the caregiving role usually reserved for a person's significant other.

My question to you is: "What can you do to best take care of yourself in this situation?" Now, some people might think that automatically means putting your needs and desires over your estranged husband's, and that may certainly be the case. That could involve turning the caregiving duties over to his girlfriend (or someone else of his choosing, including professional assistance, if she refuses), or continuing in the role yourself only if he breaks up with his girlfriend. Keep in mind, though, if you make any such pronouncements you must be prepared to follow through on associated consequences if either he or his girlfriend fails to keep their side of the bargain.

But you might also choose to temporarily set his needs above your own and not rock the boat while he's ill, particularly if you and he have children together. If you go that route, I'd definitely recommend your seeking out support for yourself during what will continue to be a stressful time. It might not hurt to talk with a counselor anyway, to help you further sort out your options and what might be best for you, your husband, and your children. (The girlfriend can take care of herself.) Good luck.