I've been dating a doctor. He is 48 and has never been married. He is five feet six inches tall and very physically fit, and very successful in his urology practice. We get along wonderfully except for one small problem. When he is tired and hungry or in a hurry, if I do the slightest thing to irritate him, he will lash out at me with a condescending, hurtful tone of voice. He scolds me. It is horrible. Should I blow it off and know it is his problem handling stress, or should I take it personally? Am I being codependent or showing low self-esteem to be in love with a man who acts this way? He could sway toward being a narcissist. I do love him, though.

O.

You ask whether you should take your boyfriend's behavior personally or just blow it off. Well, his behavior may have a lot more to say about HIM than it does about you ... so in that sense, taking it personally may not be appropriate. But if you simply ignore the way he treats you, his behavior will likely continue or perhaps even worsen. And you may need to decide whether that's acceptable to you.

Another possibility, of course, is that you are being overly sensitive to what amounts to normal, albeit at times irritable, behavior on his part. If that's not the case, though, I think you're wise to contemplate the dynamics of your relationship.

I wonder if you've told him how you feel about the way he treats you -- and if so, how he responded. An emotionally mature response would be to apologize and work to change one's behavior (as well as to take better care of oneself physically and emotionally to cut down on the stress and hunger associated with the offensive behavior). If he denies his behavior is hurtful or implies it's YOUR problem, but you're pretty sure a jury of your peers would vote he's out of line ... well, then the ball's in your court. You will need to decide whether to accept and learn to tolerate (or tune out) his hurtful behavior, or end the relationship unless he changes and/or enters couples counseling with you.

If you continue to wonder whether you're acting out of codependency or low self-esteem, you might try attending a few CoDependents Anonymous meetings (the free community support groups modeled on the 12-step Alcoholics Anonymous model) or discussing the matter further with a counselor.