I helped a young friend in trouble, and he and his young wife ended up living in my home. They are newlyweds, and she is expecting a baby. The idea was to help them out with their situation. First he could not work because of a legal situation that absorbed most of his time. Now that's been solved, but he's been reluctant to begin making a living. He doesn't want to talk about it and gets angry, or he starts talking about starting a business -- which he can't since he has no money at all. I have been obliged to buy everything for their baby, which will be born in a few days. It seems to me he must have some kind of mental condition! How can I handle this situation? I want him out of my life and my house, but I do not want any violence!

Mireya

Your situation sadly illustrates the pitfalls that can sometimes arise when one tries to help others in need.

Many people are appreciative of such aid -- or even have trouble accepting it due to pride -- and reestablish self-sufficiency as soon as possible, happy to return the favor or repay a loan as soon as they can. But unfortunately, some people use others' largess to enable their own irresponsibility. In those situations, the Good Samaritans can soon find themselves desperately trying to become disentangled from a clingy mess.

In situations in which someone has arrived in a household for what was supposed to be a temporary stay but has lengthened into a seemingly never- ending arrangement, it can help to set a date by which the person (or persons) will need to move out, communicate that to the party involved, AND STICK WITH IT.

The unwilling host can politely remind the "guests" (or tenants) that the arrangement was supposed to be temporary and that they will need to find other living arrangements. Keep in mind that it is NOT your (the host's) duty to find those other living arrangements -- it's the guests'. And you might be prepared to withstand an onslaught of excuses and exclamations of "how could you!" intended to manipulate you into relaxing the edict. But stand firm ... and be prepared to set belongings out on the porch or lawn and change the locks if need be when the date arises.

In your case, I'm concerned that you fear violence may erupt. If violence truly is a danger, you may be able to elicit the help of your local police or sheriff in evicting the couple (and their baby) from your home. (If police are not an option, perhaps other friends or adult male relatives could be of assistance to you.) Law enforcement personnel -- or a charitable agency in your community -- might also be able to refer the couple to a shelter or other resources in your area. Good luck.