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How Do I Tell Him I Have Herpes?

By:
Ruth Westheimer

Question :

I have been dating a guy now for almost two years. I have genital herpes but I haven't told him about it. Do you think I should? If so, how do I tell him?

Answer :

I think you should tell him, and depending on what state you live in, you may have a legal obligation to do so. You may have already passed herpes on to this gentleman, and that is not going to make him happy. He may well be willing to accept that risk, but it's a decision that he has to make, and he can't do that unless you tell him.

There is no magic formula to do this in an easy way and the longer you wait, the harder it becomes. If you'd told him early on, there would be little risk that he would get angry, but if he's been at risk of catching herpes, you can't tell how he will react. If he has a strong temper, you should probably tell him in a public place where you will be able to escape his wrath if need be. Or you could tell him over the phone or in a letter. If he doesn't fly off the handle easily, tell him someplace more private where it would be easier to have a heart-to-heart talk about it, like in a car or while walking in the countryside. No matter how gentle a fellow he might be, I don't believe it's a good idea to tell him in either of your residences because this news wouldn't sit well with anybody and it's best not to tempt fate.

By the way, you have to realize that you might lose him, not necessarily because you have herpes, but because you've taken so long to tell him about something as important as this. If you do lose him, make sure that you never let this happen again. It's much better to risk losing someone before you've become very emotionally attached, than to suffer that loss after the relationship has developed. Good luck.

 

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