Before my husband and I married, we agreed we both wanted children. After a year of trying to conceive, we learned that my husband has a very low sperm count. Our options were either a costly ICSI procedure or donor sperm. We decided to use donor sperm, but we delayed that until after a move we were making to another state. Then my husband said he wasn't ready and maybe it was a sign from God that we should not have children. That was three years ago, and now he says he doesn't even know if he wants kids. He knows that all I have ever wanted was to have a family! He has broken his promises, and I have lost faith in him. I have tried to give him time to sort out his feelings, but his solution is to go childless, which is not an option for me. Any suggestions?

J.B.

People do change (minds as well as behavior), and that can affect even promises made with every intention of being honored. But I can understand your distress and feelings of betrayal.

You say your husband "doesn't even know if he wants kids." That seems different, in my opinion, from a flat-out declaration that he doesn't want kids. I wonder what's led to his uncertainty? What's transpired in the years since you both agreed you wanted children ... besides, of course, the frustration and heartache of infertility? Did your husband feel emasculated by learning he has a low sperm count? (Not that a man's sperm actually reflects his masculinity in any way.) Does he have concerns about having a child that isn't biologically his? Have there been any family problems, job stresses or uncertainties that may have contributed to his change?

I know this is an emotional issue, and it may be difficult to talk with your husband about it without pain or anger derailing the process. If that's the case, a marriage counselor might help. Once the reasons for your husband's change of heart are fully understood, the two of you may be able to reach an acceptable compromise.