Before we married 13 years ago, my husband and I were best friends. Last year he asked me for a divorce. He said he had always felt he was gay, and he needed a divorce so he could live how he needed to live. I was already being treated for depression after an unsuccessful ankle surgery that ended my working and put me on disability. Now I cry just thinking about him. I am devastated. Most days I just want to die. Please tell me I'm not wrong to feel such loss, anguish and betrayal. I feel like our entire marriage was a lie.

Lynn

You have a right to have ANY feelings, including anguish and betrayal. However, what you feel -- and what might be natural to feel in circumstances such as yours -- may not actually be true.

For instance, it may not be that your ENTIRE marriage was a lie because your husband has always felt he was gay, although I can certainly understand your feeling that way. Marriage is based on many things besides sexual compatibility -- companionship being an important part -- and it may be that your husband was truthful in those areas.

In my opinion, your plight is an example of fallout from our society's rampant homophobia, which often keeps gay men and women from acknowledging their true sexual orientation to others or even themselves. Perhaps if your husband had felt freer to acknowledge his sexual orientation in his youth, you and he might have become friends but never married, and neither of you would be going through this today.

That said, I think it's understandable that you would be devastated by both the divorce and your husband's revelation, especially following your ankle surgery and resulting disability. You've experienced multiple losses in a row, which would have an impact upon anybody. But I also think that unless you act upon your desire to die, you CAN eventually heal from all of these traumas. I hope you'll consider seeing a therapist for some additional support and guidance. Good luck.