My husband and I are both 36. We have two girls, ages 16 and 12. Last week, my husband said he that he did not want any more kids and he wanted a vasectomy. I have really mixed emotions about this, and I don't know why, or how to handle it. I had never given a thought to having more kids until he told me what he wanted. Now I find myself crying most of the time, and I am angry, thinking, what gives him the right to say I can't have any more kids? Can you help me try and find some way to accept this, or explain why I feel this way?

Shelly

I wonder if part of the reason you've been having difficulty with your husband's decision -- and his impending surgery -- is because it blind-sided you. It sounds like you weren't aware of your husband's desire to have no more children until he informed you of his decision to have a vasectomy. Now, you may be struggling to assimilate both this new information and the effect it might have on YOUR choices.

You ask, "What gives him the right to say I can't have any more kids?" Well, technically, his having a vasectomy won't prevent YOU from having any more children should you so desire. As long as you are fertile, of course, you could have children with another man. (Not that I recommend that at this point.) What your husband's vasectomy would do is prevent you from having any more children with HIM unless he changes his mind and you both adopt, or he has had some of his sperm frozen, or he elects to have the vasectomy reversed. (Your husband's physician should be able to provide information on the success rate of the latter procedure.)

I wonder, too, the reasons for and timing of your husband's decision. Why NOW instead of last year, next year, or any other time in his life? What about discussing this with him to try to better understand what's going on with him? Perhaps he has fears or concerns that might be addressed in some other way besides a vasectomy. But even if he goes through with the procedure, a better understanding of his reasons might help you accept his decision. Good luck.