My husband of 25 years recently had an uninvited visitor -- his first love of 30 years ago. I am upset! Against my wishes, they were e-mailing, and I was told it was just chitchat. I happened to read one of the e-mails from her, and it had sexual overtones and was written like a schoolgirl. This woman can't understand why I'm upset. She also happens to have a Ph.D. in psychology. I feel she has truly stepped over the line, and her contact can only recreate old feelings. Has she missed the boat with her education in psychology? How would she feel if this happened to her husband -- or maybe she doesn't care?

B.

A Ph.D. in psychology doesn't guarantee that an individual will be sensitive to others' feelings ... although one would certainly hope a doctorate in clinical or counseling psychology (the usual background of psychologists who are mental health professionals) would bring with it good people skills. Most psychologists in nonclinical areas -- experimental psychology, developmental psychology or social psychology, for instance -- work in academic or research settings, where the ability to get along with others is a plus, but not a requirement.

That said, it seems to me the real issue here isn't the educational background of your husband's old flame, but your distress over the nature of their current relationship. I'm wondering, also, what your husband's reaction is to the recontact by his former girlfriend, and whether he's encouraging it ... and if so, why.

Whether or not there is any sexual undertone to their current relationship, your husband has been e-mailing her against your wishes, which would probably irritate most wives. (Or husbands, if the shoe were on the other foot.) I'm not saying there's anything inherently wrong with a married person having friends (e-mail or otherwise) of the opposite sex, but it's best that such relationships be agreeable to the spouse. Even so, devoting too much emotional energy to a relationship outside the marriage can detract from the husband-wife bond. Sometimes, of course, that may be exactly what the errant spouse is trying to do, for various reasons.

If you are not able to discuss this with your husband and arrive at an acceptable resolution on your own, a marriage counselor might be of help. If your husband won't go with you and you continue to be disturbed by his contact with his old girlfriend, consider seeing a counselor on your own to explore your options.