My fiance criticizes the way I look. When I tell him I don't like it, he gets angry. Recently we argued and he threw something at me, cursed and called me horrible names. Afterwards he was very apologetic. Last night I told him I wanted out, and he threw a glass (not at me). I'm starting to get scared. When I mention leaving, he says I'm giving up on him and starts putting me down. Part of me feels guilty for not wanting to stay and help him so we can have a good life together. The other part is saying run fast because he isn't going to change. He said he would go to couples counseling so he can get his side of the story out. Any suggestions?

Michelle

Please listen to your fear. I suspect it's trying to tell you something -- this man is dangerous. The behavior you describe is emotionally abusive and physically intimidating. There is a chance his violence will escalate. But even if he never hits you, his emotionally abusive behavior and the threat of physical harm implicit in his throwing objects can control and manipulate you, and cause psychological harm.

I very rarely tell clients (or people who submit questions through iVillageHealth) what to do, because I believe my role is to help people explore their options and come to their own decisions. The exception, however, is when a woman (or man) is in an abusive relationship -- especially one in which the partner is violent. (And throwing things, even if not directly at you, is a violent act.) My advice is to end the relationship and do what you can to distance yourself from and protect yourself from this man. If your fiance truly wants to tell "his side of the story" to a counselor, let him do so ... by himself.

If you're reluctant to end the relationship, ask yourself: Would I want to have children with this man? What kind of father would he be? Do I want my children to grow up in a home in which there is emotional and physical violence? (Even if the abuse is never directed toward the children -- which would probably be a long shot -- believe me, it DOES negatively affect children to witness emotional abuse and violence between parents.) If after contemplating these questions you still want to marry him, please do not do so until (or unless) you both have had counseling and he has changed his controlling and abusive ways. Otherwise, I'm afraid you may regret it.