I am emotionally involved with a co-worker who is depressed. His abusive wife left him after 23 years, taking their teenage children. His co-workers thought he was on the verge of a breakdown. I asked him out, and on our date, I was shocked to discover he has no self-esteem. I tried to say things to counteract some of the damage. Since that evening, he seems to be pulling out of it. Everybody's noticed that he has regained much of his composure and his mood has improved. He has been putting more care into his appearance and has gradually spent more time interacting with me. He hasn't quite summoned the courage to ask me out. Is it emotionally dangerous for us to be involved right now? How can I be supportive? I know he needs to talk to a professional, but I'm not close enough to persuade him.

Anna

First let me address the question of whether it's emotionally dangerous for you to be involved right now with your depressed co-worker. While I can't predict the future, my suspicion is "yes" ... at least, for you. That's because becoming involved with him would break two tenets of popular (and, often, professional) wisdom about dating: 1) Don't become involved with a co-worker, and 2) Don't become involved with someone right after a divorce or other serious break-up.

As you probably know, many people advise against becoming romantically or sexually involved with co-workers due to the difficulties that may ensue when personal and professional lives overlap. (Think about it this way: if a romantic relationship with a co-worker ended unhappily, how would you feel about having to see him regularly at work and perhaps even having to participate in meetings or projects with him?) Becoming involved with a recently divorced (or divorcing) person, or anyone who's had a long-term relationship end recently, often leads to heartache. The recently separated or divorced person may cling to the first individual he or she becomes involved with post-breakup like a drowning man clings to a life raft ... and will often abandon that life raft as soon as he gets to shore and on his feet.

That said, I commend your concern about your co-worker's self-esteem and unhappiness, but suspect that it would not be in your best interest (or perhaps even his) to become personally involved with him until he has worked through whatever issues led to or result from his wife leaving him. That will probably take some time, whether or not he sees a therapist. In the meantime, I'd be supportive of him from a safe distance, and encourage him to get professional support through this distressing period. While he may be appreciative of your giving him positive feedback about himself, in order to have a secure identity he must base his self-esteem on his own accomplishments and self-perceptions rather than other people's feedback (positive or negative).