I have been searching for Mr. Right for a long time. Lately I have become close friends with a former co-worker. He has been married for four years, but the marriage has been on the rocks for about two years, and they were separated for eight months of that time. He is afraid to leave their adopted child, but he is miserable. I have tried to help him, and I have talked him into getting therapy. I don't want to interfere, but I wish he would get divorced so I could have him! Is that bad to think this? How do I help him while protecting my own interests?

Kim

You ask if it's bad to want your married former co-worker to get divorced so you could have a romantic relationship with him. But since you mention that you've been looking for "Mr. Right," it sounds as though you really want more than a relationship -- that you'd consider this man a likely candidate for marriage, except for the pesky fact that he's already married and has a child. And that makes me concerned that you may be letting your desire for a life partner blind you to the hazards of the path you're on.

There's a difference between an all-too-human yearning for something we don't have, and setting out in a calculated way to take what we want from someone else. You may not have crossed that line, but can you honestly say you want whatever's best for your former co-worker, even if that means working things out with his wife? Did you encourage your former co-worker to get therapy for his own good, whatever that may mean, or because you hope therapy will result in his leaving his wife?

Keep in mind that if he DOES divorce his wife and become involved with you, both you and he would have to deal with a tremendous amount of baggage. It takes at least two to have problems in a marriage, and unless he recognizes and addresses his choices and behavior he's likely to repeat the pattern with future partners.

Pining after a married man, even if he's miserable, is probably not good for your emotional health. (Or your spiritual health, either.) Given that, you can best protect yourself by letting go of any attempts, hopes or expectations regarding his leaving his wife, and expend that energy making a fulfilling life for yourself independent of any romantic relationship. If that seems impossible, consider consulting a therapist yourself for support and guidance.