I am 37 and have been married for 18 years. I was raped when I was younger and was also sexually abused. I went to get help to understand these things, but my husband made me stop going because he did not want anyone to find out. Since then, things between us have gotten worse. He has not hit me since I turned him in, but there is something else I am confused about. I know that a wife has a duty to her husband when it comes to sex. But if you do not want it and he makes you, what then? I do not know if this is considered rape, because we are married. How can I stop this? I do not want to be hurt for saying no to him, but I do not like to be forced when I tell him no either. Where can I go online for help with this? I cannot use the phone or he may find out I'm asking about this, but he does not understand computers.

P.P.

Forcing someone to engage in sex against her will is rape, no matter whether the act occurs between marital partners, acquaintances or complete strangers. Being married to someone does not give that person the right to rape or abuse them in any way.

Years ago, however, many communities didn't legally (or personally) seem to recognize the possibility that a husband could rape his wife -- just as many communities didn't recognize the existence of domestic violence in general. Some cultures or religious groups that consider wives to be the property of their husbands might still turn a blind or permissive eye toward domestic violence and spousal rape, but mainstream opinion, fortunately, has changed. I don't know what the laws are in your area, but law enforcement personnel in general have become more enlightened about domestic violence in the past few years.

Rape itself is more an expression of violence (or coercion) and power than it is of sex, and it can indeed occur between marital partners, just as can other forms of violence. It sounds as though your husband has already engaged in other forms of violence (you mention that he hasn't hit you since you "turned him in") as well abuse of power (preventing you from seeing a therapist).

I encourage you to get whatever help and support you can, both in your local community and online, to stop your husband's abuse and, ultimately, return to the therapy that was helping you heal from earlier and possibly ongoing trauma. (You may already know this, but it's unfortunately common for people who were abused as children to become involved with or marry abusive partners as adults. People tend to be attracted to and unconsciously seek out that with which they're familiar.) Perhaps the law enforcement personnel to whom you "turned him in" earlier can provide some guidance or refer you to a domestic violence shelter should you choose or need to leave him. Please be aware that statistics indicate abusive men are more likely to escalate their violence when their wives or girlfriends try to leave them. Thus, it can be especially important during such periods to obtain professional help, which can include counseling from domestic violence experts as well as law enforcement support.

Some online sources of information and support about domestic violence include the Metro Nashville Police Department's domestic violence website (if you consider leaving or separating from your husband, read the Separation Safety Plan posted at that site); and the Domestic Violence Handbook. Offline, the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (a toll-free number) refers women in the United States to local temporary shelters and legal services.

You may also be able to find some emotional support and feedback on the iVillageHealth community message boards or at the Emotional Health chat I host from 8 to 9pm EST Mondays. Please do what you can to take back your power and make your whole life -- including your sex life -- safe and respectful.