I am trying to start over again as a single mom with a dysfunctional family history. My daughter is in therapy for the abuse she received at the hands of my ex-husband. My mother is old and doesn't remember being abusive to me during my divorce, or scaring my daughter and interfering with my parenting. My mother insists that I am making her crazy and she wants to see me and my child, but the child's therapist doesn't want the child to have access to Grammy. How do I say "no" without hurting my mother? How many times do I have to say it?

Vicki

It may not be possible to say "no" to your mother without hurting her or perhaps making her angry, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. When we assert ourselves with people who are accustomed to manipulating us, they often DO get upset or angry because they aren't getting what they want. They also usually test the limits we've set by continuing to behave in the inappropriate ways. If we give in (either out of concern for their "hurt" feelings or in fear of their anger), we just give them license to walk all over us.

Your child's welfare is more important that your mother's feelings. It's important that your daughter be protected from people who can harm her, and I will assume your child's therapist (who knows far more about your situation than I do) has good reasons for recommending that your mother have no contact with the child. It also sounds as though you have witnessed your mother's behaving harmfully toward your daughter, which would be a good reason to limit contact with her even without a therapist's recommendation.

If you are unable to figure out how to say "no" to your mother, please consider talking with a therapist yourself (whether your child's or another therapist of your own) to address this issue. A therapist can help you plan how to handle your mother's requests. It's possible that you may have to say it many, many times. What I do know is this: as long as your mother's behavior endangers your daughter in any away, you will need to say "no" to every request. Good luck.