I don't exactly have an "empty nest" yet. My 20-year-old daughter lives at home and attends community college, and I have a 17-year-old son. Nevertheless, I find myself grieving for the "children" that they were. I have never heard anyone else express a concern like this. Most other mid-40s moms seem glad their kids are finally "out of their face." Not me -- I long to hold them tightly, as they used to -- cuddly and soft. I actually dream about those days when they were toddling about, and my family was a loving, cohesive unit. I still love my kids dearly. Yet I miss the innocence of their childhood, and the shining-eyed believers they used to be. Does anyone else EVER feel this way?

K.

Yes, there are other parents -- perhaps especially mothers -- who sometimes long for the days when their children were young. Perhaps things seemed simpler -- or, as you implied, more innocent -- back then. And yes, the family may have felt more cohesive when the children weren't careening off into academic and extracurricular activities, dashing to spend time with friends, etc.

But it's normal for kids to grow increasingly autonomous, to the point where (in mainstream contemporary American culture) they eventually establish households and families of their own. In fact, one of the developmental tasks of older children and teenagers is to develop their own personal identities separate from their parents'. One of the hardest tasks for a parent is to provide the delicate balance of support, guidance, and discipline for kids while fostering such growth and independence. It can be especially hard for women for whom mothering has been the primary source of joy and meaning in their lives.

During this time you may benefit from focusing on your own personal transformation. Your job duties as mother are changing, and will continue to do so. Where can you now put that attention and energy? What have you always longed to do if only you had the time? What else besides caregiving brings you happiness?

You may need to grieve the way your children -- and your family -- used to be before you can fully accept these changes. Then, perhaps, you will be better able to accept -- or even appreciate -- the adults your children are becoming, and the ways in which your family is transforming. For now, though, by all means allow yourself to acknowledge the loss you feel. It may be best to share such feelings with your husband or other parents rather than with your children, however, so as not to make your children feel you want them to stay tied to your apron strings.