I am a 32-year-old man who wants to modify certain behaviors. I am very structured and deliberate in everything I do. I'm not what I would consider obsessive-compulsive, nor am I a perfectionist, but sometimes I feel I come close to those extremes. I want to be in control at all times, although I usually can deal with things beyond my control. I prefer things to go "as planned." A friend of mine recently told me "You need to loosen up," and although I already knew that, it really hit me. I also realized I don't know how. Can you suggest any exercises or instructional materials to help a person "loosen up" without losing control? I feel that my lack of spontaneity is limiting me on several levels.

H.V.

One possibility is to examine how you perceive the possibility (or reality) of things not going as you planned, and see if those expectations are realistic or not.

Sometimes we become anxious, afraid or angry when the unexpected happens because we believe something terrible will happen as a result. Perhaps we feel that way because bad things DID happen to us in the past. For instance, some people who grew up in chaotic or abusive homes grow up trying to control everything and everyone around them in efforts to prevent similar problems from occurring. In other instances, people may take on the attitudes of rigid or perfectionistic parents who believe that everything should be under control at all times, or else it will fall apart.

The problem, of course, is that it's not possible to be completely in control of everything, and the nature of life and of being human means we'll periodically be subjected to surprises. What you may be looking for is more of the psychological trait some call resilience -- the ability to adjust to and make the best of the unexpected.

How you might best "loosen up" probably depends on what tightened you up in the first place, and what in your attitudes and behaviors might be helping keep you there. Talking with a professional counselor or therapist might give you a sounding board and a place to experiment with new, more relaxed behaviors and attitudes, or to examine the outcome of such changes in the "real" world.

If you try to control others in ways that negatively affect your relationships, you might investigate one of the several books on co-dependency, or attend the free community support groups of Co-dependents Anonymous. (You may be able to find a CoDA listing in your phone book; if not, try calling an Alcoholics Anonymous program and ask to be directed to a CoDA meeting.) Good luck.